SunShine2002 Offline

I have been a Christian for a long time but for the past year, I have been questioning my sexuality. This has in turn brought questions about my faith as from first glance it is very precise in what it says. Man shall not sleep with Man. This is a difficult thing to get your head around when you think you are pansexual because what if I end up sleeping with the same gender. I get to the point where I am ok with it, I have got both my faith and my sexuality in line together and things are good and...

So, today I got my first tattoo and it wasn't that bad. At least that is what I am telling myself because I am afraid that the only reason I was ok with it because I liked the pain. The tattoo is on my wrist and it felt like I was hurting myself again and now in my head, it feels like that is an ok thing to do and I want more.

The tattoo I got means a lot to me but now all I want to do is hurt myself, it gave me that feeling back and it felt good. Is it weird to say I have missed...

Why does everyone have these expectations of me. So my Nan died, and since then everyone around me expects me to break down, like everyone and it is so frustrating. I am doing ok, I have a new job, I am stable on my meds, I am doing well. To the point where I even decided to stop therapy, this happened before my nan but was finalized after. I am doing ok and I hate that everyone is expecting me to fail.

I relapsed and I don't care. I jus don't care and I don't know how to get that care back. 600 days clean and I relapse and I don't care. I am numb to everything and I hate to say it but it feels good to SH again. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know if I want to recover.

I have a question for those of you who have been here.

How do you explain to people around you what is going on in your head? Everyone around me wants me to be honest with them. They ask how I am and I want to answer honestly but the problem is I know they will just worry.

My answer now is that I don't want to live. This isn't me actively planning and taking action but the basic answer is I don't want to live. I don't want to be here and people get really concerned...