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Welcome me, I'm new!
* monkey123 OfflineMember |
Last Activity: January 15th 2013 08:50 PM
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Hey y'all...dont know who i am talking to, me i guess. i dont really need this account anymore.
which is good. im here to talk to though, easier if u catch me on facebook though -
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hey i read your story in your about me, and i want to help. and maybe you could help me also. I dont know when you'll read this next, but i just really love helping people. Thanks
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no problem hun
About Me
- Basics
- Name
- Shelby Star Knodel
- Gender
- Female
- Location
- Louisiana
- About
- About me
- it started when i was little. i saw my mom being abused by her angry drunk husband. i saw her get beat and i watched her scream and try to run but he'd pull her hair... i remember the fear in her eyes. i once tryed to help but when i went to hit him he pushed me againist the wall, i got hurt, but my mom was hurt worse. the torture went on and on. and when my mom was pregnant with my sister baylee he did something more dangerous than anything else he had done before. he was drunk and and was fighting her and he slammed her againist the counter. her stomach hit the corner of the counter, hard. he could have killed Baylee :'0 i remember how much pain i saw and heard... one day when baylee was only a few months old our dad got mad at my mom and locked me and my mom outside, it was winter and we frose. we couldnt leave cuz my dad said he would hurt baylee if we left or moved... for hours we stayed on that porch and not once did i cry. i swore to myself right then and there that if i wanted to be a big girl and help mommy and sissy then i cant cry. i had to be strong. that night was horrible. while all this was happening over the years my mom had started a babysitting service for kids to come in our house and her watch them. one little boy by the name of Jordan decided i was vulnerable and weak. he sexually abused me. almost everyday. i would never let him take my virginity, but he wouldnt hav anyway. he made me do things to him and he touched me and i didnt want to be touched. i was five years old. FIVE! just thinking about him gives me the worst flashbacks. when my mom finally came to her senses and left my dad we went to a woman and childrens center. it was nice there and i miss the nice boy who said he would always be there for me. when the divorce was final we wer going to move in with my aunt. but i remember going to the park with my mom laaate at night.. i didnt kno why we were there but i was so tired. i remember her getting in a truck with dad. and close the door. i knew even as a little girl wut they were doing, and i didnt understand... i fell asleep but soon after someone appeared with a flashlight, they flashed it into my eyes and i remember it hurting and wondering why they were looking in our car. they looked in the truck too. finally i realized it was a cop. i remember when he left my mom hurried bak to the car with little clothes on and a blanket around her. she drove us away quickly. i will always remember that night... it haunts me to this day, but i would never bring it up to my mom.
my mom met my step dad a few months later. i didnt want her to marry him but today i know that was the best decision of her life. a while after they got married my mom started having problems. i didnt kno why she was acting this way, she found out she was bipolar. she has other problems to but i wont get into that. we struggled a lot the first 6 years and when my dad forced her into a mental hospital i shut down. i didnt talk to anyone, look at anyone... i couldnt feel or hear or see i felt dead, i was dead, on the inside. last year my mom tryed to commit suicide, but the worst part is that my step dad called me into their room and i saw my mom, the gun to her head, ready to pull the trigger. right then and there i cryed, and i hadnt in forever, i cryed and for the love of me i let her see the pain in my eyes. she was hospitalized again. a few months ago it happened again. when i was called into their room he was holding her down she was screaming and he was holding the gun away, he made me take it away and i had to help hold her down, i remember the look she gave me, it was like she knew she had something wrong with her and she doesnt know what to do. today she is much better and getting on track with meds. but now its my turn.
a few years back i almost jumped off a building. i wanted to end my life right then and no one could have stopped me. right when i was about to jump i reached in my pocket and there was a paper i puled it out. it was a picture of my sister. i stepped back and cryed, i couldnt leave her, i had to be strong for her, i had to be there for her, to protect her like i always have. it was in about 6th grade that i started cutting. this was before i started havin anxiety attacks. today along with anxiety attacks i have to deal with my A.D.D, my depression, my bipolar disorder, my touch of OCD, and my cutting. i cut every week. my mom found out i cut this year when it was brought up in convversation one day. right now i have 22 fresh cuts on my left arm and wrist. sometimes i want to give up on life. i kno wi cant leave my sister tho. i try to stop cutting, i hav tryed cuz everytime i cut i hurt my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. along with everything my mom is always calling me fat. im 15 and weigh 110. am i fat? i keep bordering on anorexic every year. i really need support. support from people who are going through something like i am. i feel hopeless, lost, without a clue...
I cut so much now.. i keep wondering day to day when is the time gunna come when i cut to far? ive cut 34 times in one day before. today i did 8 times and probly will again. my phycologist isnt helping me one bit righ tnow and i feel trapped and alone.. lost. someone help meeeeee before i kill myself
- Details
- Here for
- Need help for a problem
- Relationship status
- In a relationship
- Sexuality
- Heterosexual/Straight
- Ethnicity
- mix of german, indian, and well american :)
- Education
- High School
- Religion
- Christian
- Interests
- Hobbies
- i love to collect different and randomt hings, and i like to workout
- Music
- i love so many different types of music idk where to begin
- Books
- i read a tonnnn of books
- Sports
- cross country, ballet tap and jazz, and choir
- Heroes
- idk yet
- Favorite quotes
- life sux, then you die
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Signature
- Shelby Star Knodel Loves Matthew Charles Cardenas
- Shelby Star Knodel Loves Matthew Charles Cardenas
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