mae_kas Offline

My apologies, somehow I ended up forgetting about this again.

I think I left the message aside for the time being, because I was uncertain how to respond. I don't think it's possible for me to trust any person unconditionally; rather, it is very natural for me to treat everyone more or less the same. If I'm expected to do more talking in a certain social dynamic, then I will; otherwise, I like staying quiet and listening. When the other person shares something personal, I am aware and grateful for their trust, but when I talk about myself, it rarely ever crosses my mind. I present my views because I often am at a loss of what else to talk about. The really deep stuff, is never talked about, nor do I ever have any desire to do so.

It is important to feel some sort of connection with the rest of our species, and that in the most obvious sense would manifest in an connection with certain individual or groups of human beings. But everything is impermanent; we can be open, but how do we refrain from becoming attached?

Oh definitely, I know what you mean there. Except I don't even know how I made friends as a kid - I certainly had no real social skills or deliberate process; it just kinda happens. But yeah, none that lasts into the long term. But that's okay. A few not-too-intimate contacts is more than enough for any given period of time - the less people, and the less degree of personal involvement, the less unnecessary drama. I'm extremely grateful for my simple life, although I often wish for a proper opportunity to reach out to others in an impersonal/non-conditional fashion - like TH, except in real life.

In my case I was pretty much the quiet yet participative and curious child. I was kind of talkative but then again I was more talkative to adults than kids my age. I had it easy making short time friends but wouldn't be able to keep them as I didn't relate to them and was a sort of awkward kid. So I was friendly enough for parents not to worry.
You'll get to it when you get there, and that's what matters.

Apparently I rarely ever spoke when I was very young, and my parents kept worrying about me having autism or something.
It's good that you were able to accomplish that. I will, just not sure when.

That's totally true. I'm not sure if my current environment will be conducive - perhaps if my mind was better disciplined. I think it will be a natural process, when one feels ready.

I think that if it's necessary for me to talk, I would still talk lol. But a conscious intent to abstain from idle chatter is very powerful. However, I wonder if this would have to extend to the internet as well - as, one is technically still 'speaking' in an online conversation - the mind cannot be silent, even if the mouth and ears are.

But I don't think I'm quite ready to embark on such a project yet.

You know, I have been thinking, what the effects would be if I consciously decided to not speak unless it was actually necessary for a given amount of time. I mean, I talk to myself out loud - a LOT. It's a pretty terrible habit I've had for as far back as I can remember, having always been a recluse. Everyone talks, I feel pressured to talk just as much, but I have no one to talk to, so I would talk to myself.

I'm always curious to know what might happen - but I've never had it in me to really do it. Living in a big city, as well as with rowdy roommates, doesn't help.

But you said that it was beneficial for you?

Lately I've found myself at a disdain for communication in general; it is quite strange.
There are a lot of thoughts going through my head at all times - a lot of it is just the mind's idle chatter, but some are more serious - in an externally quiet and solitary environment, this stuff gets really amplified, and it drives me crazy.
Someone told me that it would help if I was able to let it out to other people, and offered to help me do so if I felt comfortable. I don't know if I do. They definitely have a point, but as we have been discussing - it seems an awkward move. I only talk about things when I have a specific question to ask; throwing out a confused bundle of negativity on its own just doesn't seem natural.

Do you have any thoughts to offer?

Oh, for certain - I find that I am largely the same way. You know what I just noticed? That I rather dislike talking about myself for the sake of doing so. I mean, if relating my experience contributes to the discussion (but I am not the subject of discussion), or if the focus is on me for practical reasons (Anything from a job interview to seeking specified advice - you get it), then it's different. But I'm not very comfortable just aimlessly talking about myself; I always feel like I have taken something away from the conversation somehow, when I do that.

I'm not sure where that is coming from, or how I should approach it.

It takes a special kind of character, to be silent, yet present. Those who who speak only when they have something to contribute, so that their words, though infrequent and short, can last a long time - quality widely above quantity. I've always strove to be such a person, but I don't think I am there yet. Unfortunately, I tend to fall into the 'silent and forgotten' category much more often than I wish.