L'espoir Offline

Baby steps are the way to go :]
Well I only saw a psychiatrist once for a psychiatric evaluation and it didn't really get me anywhere because she said she didn't want to 'label me' with a diagnosis and she didn't think that I had clinical depression (although my mental health worker did) but I might have a disorder where my moods go 'up and down'. Basically, ive had a few people suggest I might have bipolar and I kinda just want to sit with a psychiatrist so they can sort it out and officially do something about it...at least if they knew what it was officially then theyd have a better idea of what they are/i am dealing with. I guess it probably would include more talking but it's more like general questions and I feel as though I could at least potentially get something out of it. I just want to know what's wrong with me. Like I generally say 'depression' but I dont even know if it is anymore.
I'm sure that Emily wont just leave you hanging and I dont think that they'll expect you to just be sorted in 2 weeks, hopefully they'll give you some more direction when you ask Emily next time you see her, I hate not knowing things too, makes everything much more stressful! xxxxxxxx

well ive asked them about it quite a lot before but theyre having none of it...my uncle said that he'd talk to them and he said he would drop me off/pick me up and stuff so i guess i could get him to let me out (he lives with us aswell). i dont know though because now ive kinda been put off the idea, plus i dont know who id go with. i guess the issue is more like i feel isolated. i have 2 good friends but its not like i can trust anyone :/ its hard to explain :S
They're always 'too busy' to help me with stuff or complain about things, so basically Ill have to do it with my own self motivation. I guess that I could if I really wanted to. Its just like another load of effort on top of everything else.

To be honest, I would rather go and see another psychiatrist than a nurse because I just dont think I can 'fix' whatever this is by talking. I hate not knowing what im dealing with either. I'd rather be able to stick a label on something and say 'this is what im dealing with'...however weird that may sound. Its like when people ask 'why do you feel upset/whats your triggers'...I rarely have an answer, plus like ive said its ups and downs, one day i can feel really happy then the next im really bad urgh :s
xxxxxxxxx

Yeah, they're stopping me going out but to be fair i do see their reasoning :/ Tbh, i bet that if i did get the chance to go out i wouldnt take it...but id like the option, you know? yeah losing weight probably would make it better but i just dont have the motivation anymore. i managed to lose a load of weight last year but that put me in hospital because i lost it too quickly so that kinda ruined everything. plus, apparently i eat to 'blank out my emotions' which i guess is true a lot of the time. Urgh

I've had a look on that kooth thing before, but i live in northumberland so its not available i think my mam and dad are thinking about going and speaking to someone because they think that i need to see a psychiatrist again, so god knows what's going to happen there. I'd speak to Emily about it or try and call Sally or something if you're not sure what's going on? xxxxxxxxx

I don't know, just like loads...like what I said about not being allowed to go out because people would just take the mick out of me, like people always have because im overweight. Thats why my parents dont want me to go out, theyre really protective and stuff...I know someday Ill just have to risk it but ive been made fun out of all of my life and it just doesnt get any easier, you know? but avoiding those comments doesnt make me any happier because im so isolated i dont really like anyone i know offline anyway apart from like 2 people.

I'm glad youve been able to talk to Emily :] Yeah, I'd be gutted too...are you getting anyone else after Emily? You should tell her/someone that you feel like its going to get worse again then hopefully someone will sort something else out for you. Im seeing that nurse on the 31st...really not looking forward to that. Im meant to have filled in that manual thing but I haven't. :/ xxxxxxx

Jennnnn <3
No way am I going to tell you where to go, ever. I appreciate that you care :] I really mean that.
I don't really know how I am right now. I'm coping I guess. I'm pretty confused right now, i'm up and down, as always. Last night was awful, had a chat with my uncle and I kind of realised loads of stuff that's wrong. But yeah, today I'm not doing too bad. Feel like I could be slipping though.
Anyway, how are you feeling? I replied to your blog but I'm sorry I didn't have much helpful to say xxxxx

No problem. I've seen it around and really liked it so I was glad when I found it on the site to use

I found this site with loads of different patterns and designs and I just used it to make my own background. http://i31.tinypic.com/2wdovbm.jpg There's the link for it x

I ended up in hospital earlier. Cut my wrists pretty bad. I got drunk the other night and attempted to jump from a great height, haha. I took drugs, I've fucked everything up and now I'm on parent suicide watch which isn't good. but...i'm glad you're alright haha! x

Hey...erm, not so good really. You?

I'm doing much better. How about you?