Hellbender Offline

Hey, guys. Not sure if anyone's reading this anymore, but here I am. Haven't SH'd in a few months, but -
I don't know. I can't-
I kind of want to. It's like part of me needs it, and I know it would make me feel better, but I know I'd crash later and regret it or hurt myself too bad and I can't get myself out of bed to do it anyway so I'm just stuck here thinking about it. I feel like this is how alcoholics feel after a few weeks sober. God, I'm just so tired. I finally moved out. Eighteen an out in the world, huh? Pretty amazing. I think I'd like to find a doctor, see if I can get some help. I don't know where any clinics are that I could go to, though. Or maybe that's just an excuse. Part of me knows this isn't normal and part of me says I'm just looking for attention. Shit, my head hurts. I'll do something eventually. Funny, now that I'm on my own I just sleep and read all day. It's been three months- I just go internet today. It's so hard to get out of bed. This can't be normal.

I finally got around to calling a help line. I told the lady I was SH-ing, and that I didn't know how to feel about my parents, and that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get better or not, and she told me I was just looking to make things harder for myself and that I should stop making excuses. Now... I don't know. Am I making up problems for attention? How do I tell? What if my mom is right and I really am just some self-involved, egocentric pig. Fuck. I don't want to be making shit up for attention, but I can't tell what's real anymore. Things haven't been bad in a long time, why can't I just let it go? Forgive and forget, right? Am I just here writing this for attention? What the hell am I? Shit. Fuck. Nevermind.

I think I'm cruel to my siblings because it gives me a sense of control over stressful situations, and because rationalizing the actions I take allows me to cope with the way I myself was treated as a child.

I'm cruel and I pick fights.
I think I pick fights with my parents because it gives me a sense of control over our relationship, and it's a way of controlling when exactly I get hurt. I think maybe it's a defensive mechanism used to minimize the emotional pain that comes from the verbal abuse. If I cause it, I can decide when it happens and tell myself that I was hurt because I did something wrong, not because it was a random emotional outburst on their part.

We argued again. It was my fault this time, though. She says I should get closer to my friend's dad because she wants me to be able to hang out and see a guy who wants to spend time with his daughter.
I think that's weird, but it's not really my business what she thinks I need to do so long as it's not being enforced.
I cut myself up again after the argument. He told me he didn't care if I hate him, and I said that I don't hate him but I don't respect him much anymore.
Mom said she was scared for how cruel I can be.
I felt so had that I hurt his feelings that I wrote him a letter to tell him everything I regretted and felt bad for, and how I was scared to trust him because every time I trusted him in the past I wound up getting hurt.

He ignored it completely. He didn't talk to me for three days.

There's nothing left anymore.

Family friend offered to cook for the family if I stayed at their place for a week.
I can go there with the cat, live in their garage, and work as a nanny for a week, in exchange, they'll give me a place in their shop to sell my work and they'll send food to my mom:
It seems like a pretty sweet deal. A roof, food, my own area, running water, and a heater, plus a business opportunity and real food on top of it. All I have to do is spend a week living with a couple I don't know as well as I'd like and play with their kids.
And -
Huh.
I guess I'm going for a sleepover.

Wow.
So yeah, that last entry was weird.
After I did it again last time, I regretted it a lot. Sore hands, no shorts, hiding stuff from people. But then I did it again.
I was using my dad's equipment, and accidentally left a thing that he saw when he got home. I thought I was doing so well hiding that I was in his area, since I've been in and out for weeks without him noticing. But- I don't know. He found me out this time and I just felt so stupid and arrogant. Then when he came to get mad at me, he saw the cat mom and I've been hiding, and it didn't go well. And it happened again. He left, and I went and cut up my hands again. Who the hell does that? Then he came back and told me we were getting rid of the cat, and I said we weren't and that I wasn't doing anything until mom came home, and
Jesus fuck.
And then he's here this morning after screaming with mom all might, carrying on like nothing happened at all.
I'm just tired.

Hey. So, it's been awhile.
I don't know if anyone's been reading these or not, but the weird stuff keeps coming. Friend of mine got hit by a car a few months ago. He died. I missed the funeral 'cause I was at my grandpa's funeral instead. Small world, I guess.
Anyhow, I fell off the wagon today. Not proud of that.
I made a post online about how stuff sounds slow in my head and when I talk out loud it's embarrassing because I can't tell how fast I'm going, and my sister (who i haven't spoken to in weeks otherwise) messaged me to tell me that 'Literally nobody gives a shit'. And I didn't really deal with that. So yeah.
I think mom was right when she said I was self-absorbed. Look at this. Look at all this. I keep talking about me. I did this, I felt this, I wish, I saw, I heard. It's fucking disgusting. I'm such a cruel person and I don't even give a shit. I'm an emotionally abusive, self-pitying narcissist. I'm still doing it. HOW DO I FUCKING STOP IT

Yeah, Darwin ran away. I think He's dead now.
It was my 17th birthday yesterday. I didn't want a party, but I had some ice cream cake. I only ate the fudge, though. That's the best part, right? I'm at my Dad's house now. We watched Thor 2 at the theatres. He kinda freaked out at me later, though. My sister was talking about guys, and he said that I was weird because I never talk about guys like she does. I don't know, I'm just a little tired of it all. I'm more interested in emotional ties than physical ones, and I'm only seventeen now. I'm too young to care about sex and stuff, aren't I? And then my stepmom told me I was rude. She asked if I wanted to go to Boston Pizza for my birthday, and I said no, I'm happy just hanging out at home. So she and my dad and my sister went without me. she says I'm selfish and inconsiderate because I don't like eating with her, that I'm being rude when I don't eat what she eats, that eating the same things as her won't make me fat because we have different body types. I told her i don't care about being skinny or anything, that I'm not going to eat when I'm not hungry and that I'm not going to eat food I don't like if I'm in my own home and it's not a meal. Why would I eat beef for a snack when I'm not hungry and I don't like meat? I'm just so tired. I don't even know how I feel anymore. My heartbeat feels heavy and my body feel slow, but that sounds so stupid. I'm probably just being an angsty teenager. I don't even actually care about things 'getting better' or not, so I'm probably just being dramatic. I'm just so tired. My baby sister gave me a picture of me and her together that she drew for my birthday, though. That was sweet. My mom's taking me home in half an hour. Maybe I'll paint or something.

'Kay, so since Arth died, I got a new cat. Found him in a well and he's been staying with me for the last couple weeks. The 'rents haven't noticed yet. Not sure if that's sad or funny. Probably both. Door's still broken. Recently broke a chair. Note to all: Do not shit-kick barstools. It is PAINFUL. Not a finer moment of my life-and-times. Also I disassembled my bed and build a workshop in my room over my mattress. New cat's name is Darwin. He found a can of meat and rolled into a bag in my closet. Few days later, "Hey, is it raining outside?" No, it was not raining outside. Maggots on plastic sound exactly the same. And that was fun, but if Darwin does that again he'll discover natural selection three feet under my mom's petunias. NEW FUN FACT: If Hellbender sees rice on the floor, Hellbender will flip the ever-loving sit out of everything. Also: I'm teaching myself Russian. Anyone know any good sites for that?