Evanesco Offline

I bought more pills and razors. I haven't used them yet but having them makes me feel better. I know I have an out if I need it.

I finally managed to log on TH with my tablet so now I can watch stuff and answer posts. This is keeping me distracted.

Also I paid my rent and the outstanding customs fee on a delivery. Haven't cleaned the rats yet but I don't feel completely useless.

I feel like I'm in limbo right now.

I want someone to love me. I want a relationship. I want to be in love with someone who loves me back.

I want to be able to do things again. I don't want to be ill, I hate it. I want to be able to walk properly.

I want to be happy.

But since none of that is possible I guess I want to be dead.

Don't leave me alone.

The last few days my mood has been up and down like a rollercoaster. I've spent three days barely moving from my bed because I felt so ill after the busy days with my family. I've self harmed twice in that time. The one time I did get up I went to buy pills. I haven't taken any but I needed them as a security net. Just in case I get desperate. That sounds awful but that's where my mood is right now. I was binge watching Supernatural and feeling really awful and thinking about suicide, so I got drunk...

I went on a steam train, and had chips for lunch, and Indian for tea, and hung out with my sister and took selfies with her and it was fun. And we went to the slate museum, and we watched Frozen Planet.

I'm really tired. I have a nine am lecture and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to make it. But I'm really glad I saw my sister because I hadn't seen her since christmas. She drew me a picture to put on my wall.