ECSartist Offline

Hi Sweetie! I am so so sorry I haven't replied until now. I only just got back from vacation with my family. I'm so glad you decided to message me and I hope I can still help.
Freshman year seems to be the worst for most people. Most of my friends turned out to be flakes and just ditched me as soon as possible. One of my best friends got into drugs and had a pregnancy scare. I myself had to deal with the "popular" kids, which got so bad that I can't even remember the entire second semester. But at least the social bit of school gets easier. Friends always make everything better. (I'm not even sure you're having problems in this department, but I felt it was important to discuss regardless.)
As for the academic but, I know precisely how that is. My school wasn't intense or anything, but I had to cpmpete against the grades my older sister got. She was the kid who got straight A's all her life without ever really trying and EVERYONE exxpected that of me. My entire family, family friends, teachers my sister had had before me (which was most of them), and even random people my parents bragged to. It was inexcusable to get a B. If I got an A-, I had to lock myself in my room doing extra credit.......even though, like you, I was doing homework all day anyway. I worked myself harder than anyone could ever know. I was locked in my room or the computer room doing homework pretty much from the time I got home until I had to go to bed. My parents, however, thought I didn't get straight A's because I was upstairs playing videogames or surfing the internet. They jumped to that conclusion because that's what they did in high school; they never even checked to see if that's what I was doing or not. I'd like to say the academics aspect gets easier, but all I can really say is you have to remember to have some fun sometime. If you allow yourself to do something fun every once in a while, you'll do better academically.
I'd forgotten that myself this last semester. I'd allowed myself to get swallowed by my depression and had to come to terms that I'd failed my first class ever (I'd only gotten A's and B's). Mix in a few other factors, and you get what pushed my to my own art supplies. I pulled out my exacto knife. Like you said, I didn't really know what I was doing. It was like I was dreaming or something. I was actually reading as I cut. When I looked down again, my entire left forearm was covered in shallow cuts. Like you, I was scared, yet I felt a sense of relief. I told one of my best friends (who also has cut) and she asked me why I did it. Months later, I've only now discovered the answer. I had felt such agonizing emotional pain and I didn't really know why. And I felt that if I didn't do anything about it, I'd combust. Taking the knife to my arm was a release as well as a physical valediction for the emotional pain I was in. But even to this day I'm still scared. I still worry, wondering if I might take it further or do worse one day. And I know I can. After I first cut, I cut every day that week. I've cut in the past months. But then I forced myself to put my knife away in a hard to reach place. Yes, I thought a lot about it...there are days that I still do. But when those days arise, I force myself to make a list of things that make me happy, things to look forward to, to get my mind off it. It's a lot of conscious effort and hard work to keep from cutting again, but it's worth it. After a while, you really begin to realize that.
I really hope I've helped. Feel free to message me at anytime about absolutely anything! Just know that you're never alone. There's always someone to talk to. No matter what, there's always someone who cares about you. That one person is worth living for. But most importantly, NEVER give up on yourself.
P.S. Sorry this is a long reply. And if this is the second reply you've gotten from me today, I'm sorry about that too. My computer logged me out just as I clicked the "reply" button.

Hey there,
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Alessa