depressedwriter Offline

I know no one will ever read this but I just feel the need to write this out. Okay, so, I am very depressed right now. Although I was never "diagnosed" so to speak with depression, I believe I have it. I was on face book and I every time I go on to facebook I see pictures of people with their "significant other" and them hanging out with their friends. I get depressed because that will never be me. I know I will never get boyfriend or girlfriend and I always have the worst luck with friends. I either become friends with people who aren't really my friends or I have friends who are always busy. Now I feel like they're just making up excuses to not hang out with me or talk to me or text me. I know they have other friends and I know they have a boyfriend (basically all my friends are girls). I know that. But it still seems like they're lying to me. Now I only one "true" friend. Her name is Ashley. She seems to be the only friend I have. Other "friends" aren't really my friends. They're more like school friends or aquantices. I'm glad Ashley's my friend but I wish I had other friends. I always feel like Ashley doesn't want to be my friend. I have a lot of insecurities from the past. I have had things happen with people and them lying to me. Even my own family lies to me a lot and no one will tell me anything anymore. I have been teased a lot. In 5th grade I finally grasped the idea that not everyone likes me and they make fun of because of how I looked and dressed. It got worse and halfway through 8th grade I was so uncomfortable I finally left school and went to cyber school. What happened through those years will haunt me for the rest of my life. The teasing I know still happens today. Not to my face, but behind my back. I know it will always happen. I feel like Ashley hates me and that my family hates me. I always feel uncomfortable around my friends and family. I feel so out of place and that I don't belong anywhere. I don't feel comfortable about eating around people. I don't eat at school but I eat at home but I won't eat much. I just hate eating. Even when I'm alone. I hate eating because I know that I'm just gaining weight. I wish I could give up food but I guess I just don't have that self control I need. I just want to die and commit suicide and get it over with. No one will miss they might not even notice that I'm gone. It'd be better for everyone. I won't be there to take up space, to take up air, to breathe, to eat, to take up food, to be annoying, to be in the away, and to use up money. When I think about killing myself, I think of my nephew. He's about 2 and 1/2 years old. I wouldn't be able to be with him and play with him. But then I think that he would be better off without me there. Everyone will be. If you read this whole thing then than you and I hope you add me as a friend.

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