I've been missing you extra recently. You were supposed to be here for all of this. Missing you is an unbearable pain that I feel everyday. I think about you every day. I miss you every day. And I wish you would have believed me when I told you that would happen. I need you so much, I don't know what to do without you. I can't do it on my own. My heart hurts too much missing you.

My heart feels like it stops every time I think of you. I miss you so fucking much, it's worse than any mental health bullshit I ever deal with. I wish you would have considered that before you fucking left us. I wish you would have listened when we said how much we care.

I still think about you. Every day. I miss you. Every day. "I'm here to show you faith and help you when you fall". I'm getting that tattooed because I never want to forget you. While I am extremely sad, I am still really angry.. you left me... and I'm sorry I did not hold up the deal. I wish I had the strength to.

I got a text from your e-mail a while ago. one of those stupid you clearly didn't send it kind of things. I can't delete it. I keep thinking someday again, maybe it will actually be you.

I am trying not to still be angry with you, for leaving without me. For leaving at the only point in my life that you knew I couldn't follow you. It hurts so bad to think you are gone that I truly believe the pain of being shot twenty times would be less than the pain of losing you. I am not a religious person. I keep trying to be, so that I truly believe in my heart that you're not completely gone. I can't stand the thought of you completely gone. The steps of grief are bullshit. The person who wrote them, never felt the kind of grief I felt. I would give my life to talk to you. I will give my life like I promised, some day. <3

Peter... My sister is just a few months younger than how old I was when I met you. She is in the same place I was then. I need you to tell me how to keep her alive. How to get her to smile. She's just like me, and you saved my life. I'm sorry I couldn't save yours.
I don't know if I can go into the field of work I'm part way through college for. Everytime we talk about something that reminds me of you, I have to zone out completely or leave. I miss you so fucking much I feel like I'm dying every time I think about it... I love you.

Missing you doesn't even begin to fucking explain it. I want you back. Please come back...

I can't breathe I miss you so fucking much. Merry Christmas Peter, Love you. <3

I think of you with every breath I take. I still love you, and I remember it every time my heart beats. And I wish you could still breathe and your heart could still beat in sync with mine.
I can't help but cry, if you could even call it that. I can't help but wish I had enough strength to lay next to you and die. I can't help but grieve with every ounce of energy and hope I have left. I can't help but remember Skyping with you. I can't help but remember meeting you in chat. I can't help but hear your laugh, see your smile, see your beauty. I can't help but be angry at you. I can't help but feel like I am having a heart attack, every time I get online and realize you are not here.

I wish you could meet Eric. I wish I could show you I finally found someone good in my life, that you would approve of. You're the only one, that I wished I would sink into the ground when you were disappointed in me. There is no one in the world like you. When I am laying on my deathbed, whether by my own hand or another's, I will wish I had never let you go, and it will be my biggest regret.

Peter, I can't even think your name without dying piece by piece inside. I want you to know I am getting a tattoo, not so I don't forget, but so I always remember. You made me smile when no one else understood, cared, or even tried. If you had done this at any other point in my life, I would be with you wherever you are.
"Maria i would like die without you i want you in my life forever and forever.... your a gift from the heavenly power that governs this world"

I'll never forget. And I hope you don't either.

I'd give anything to be there next week, I know I said I'd be there if this ever happened and I was still alive, and I'm so sorry. And I hope you can see, I did everything to get to your funeral, and it just won't work...