Anatidaephobia Offline

I wish that in my absence I improved somewhat so I could post something good and maybe inspiring but instead I continue to radiate misery like the poisonous and toxic mess that I am. I just drag everyone down and I want to apologies to every single one of you that I have disappointed with my diabolical friendship skills. So i'd like to apologise for being a lousy friend and just generally an awful person.

I'm trying to hard just to stay a float right now but I feel like I'm drowning...

Firstly I think I owe you guys an apology. It feels like I've been gone forever. So I guess this is a quick blog just to update you all.

I first took a break from the internet and everything as exams were proving to be very stressful and everything was getting on top of me. Anyway I kinda liked the solitude and it felt like it was what I deserve to fight this hell alone, After exams I guess at first it was curiosity that prevented me reaching out or coming online. I stopped using...

I haven't really been around much. I haven't really done anything, well anything worth while. I haven't been coping at all recently. Things hit me pretty hard Friday. I finished school for good, well apart from exams if I'm even still alive to sit them. I guess it hit me that she's really gone. Like I know it was last year but I remember it like it was a minute ago and I'm so tired of replaying the whole situation in my head. Desperately wanting someone to hold me and let me cry and just be there....

Lately I've been wondering how much I can really affect anyone's life. I mean people say that they want to really make a difference and I'd like that even if it was just with one person but I'm not really sure if I could ever be that person who brightens anyone's day or helps anyone. I try my best to be there for everyone that means a lot for me and I'd do anything I can to help them when they're struggling, upset or anything. I' m always nice to people and I try my beat to be happy and friendly...

I'm so tired of initiating conversations. I'm through with trying. What's the point? My "friends" don't bother with me they make pathetic excuses just to avoid spending time with me. *I just don't understand what's so wrong with me. I try to be polite. I never ever let anyone know I'm struggling. I listen and try to talk to people yet no one has time for me. I wish I knew why but all I know is I'm not going to bother anymore. What's the point in mindless talk when it just gets thrown back...