~Madam~ Offline

It's so hard to push myself to keep going, especially when the razor and pills are right there. You know, the first night, my mom was symphethetic and she let me cry on her shoulder, but the day after, she told me "You know, you're gonna have to get over this." I've wanted to ask her and tell her almost everything... Have you lost your best friend to suicide? Have you ever felt so worthless and hated yourself so much that you were ready to end it? Have you ever had someone who said they loved and cared about you to suddenly go LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, right to your face, and pretend like it never happened despite how bad it hurt you? Have you ever felt like the only father you had promised you he'd never leave, and BAM, he's already gone after just two months?

What nobody seems to understand is that when I say every breath is painful, I mean it. When I say it feels like someone is taking some dull knife and carving shit into my heart, I mean it. When I say I feel like no one cares and the world would be better off without me, and it wouldn't matter if I took the pills and finally died, I usually mean it.

Honestly, I can tell you what this kinda feels like. For the people who love living, the ones who never want to die because life is so great and they're skinny and perfect and have all these friends and family members that crowd around them when a boyfriend leaves, it's like telling them that they suddenly have to die. Then there's people like me; the ones who don't have friends and family crowding around them in a time of need, who aren't a stick figure, who don't have the perfect life and probably never will. The ones that hate living but are told that they have to live. I'm not saying that living is bad, but when all the pieces are chipping and falling aight in front of you and you can do nothing but sit and watch and try your hardest to haphazardly stick them back together - despite the pieces that are missing - life becomes incredibly difficult.

You know, as a little kid, I always wanted to grow up - to be a rockstar, to be a vet, to be a doctor, to be a teacher, to be an author, to be a famous movie star. I wanted to have my own family and move out of the house and be the cool mom that I thought mine wasn't. But.. I've grown up. I've grown up, and it's nothing like what I imagined. I'm not the popular skinny girl with a boyfriend and half failing grades whose family loves her. Puberty sucks and I'm not tall and gorgoeus and I never got to meet my favorite singers. It seems like a child's version of teenage/adulthood is never accurate enough. They can blame the hurt on hormones and cycles and 'just being a teenager', but being depressed, being suicidal, feeling worthless and every other word in the book isn't really part of being one. Yes, of course there will be emotional trouble and drama and break ups but... how does wanting life suddenly turn into wishing you could jump in your grave early and have no one care?

Looking into the eyes of death was intoxicating. It still is. I think it always has been.

I don't think it's so much that I'm lost, I've gone extended periods of time without him, it's just... he was like a brother to me, we were really really close. I can't help but feel like I should have been a better friend, or a better sister, or should have avoided saying or doing some things... in a way, I'm blaming myself for it... it was so sudden, you know? One day I believe he's alive, and with his boyfriend and the next I hear that he's dead and in his suicide note he put that no one cared. I always tried to care. I always tried to show him that I loved him and without him, such as I am now, I'd be quite broken and spend most of my time in tears and wishing I could take my own life because every breath is painful. I get the feeling he wouldn't want me to grieve, to be sad, to wish I could gain the courage to overdose, but... every part of me feels the need to. Every part of me tells me that since he hurt over me in the past, I should hurt because he's gone. but this time it's for good.

I'll be back soon, I have to take a shower.

Thank you. It's just... it's making me want to take my own life too, mostly because I usually feel like no one cares - that no matter how much I try to throw myself to people who may, I'm shot down because.. who pays attention to the silly, emotionally traumatized, half-goth girl? Not many people do.

I'll be back in the chat room whenever Java updates and chooses to work with my correctly... if that ever happens.

hey, how are you long time no talk,

omg hi..im doing good..just trying to find out where everyone has been these days

omg ellie come back to me

hey ellie hows it going

Hey stranger, how you been. :3

Hey! It's been awhile. How are you?