~Madam~ Offline

Who are you?

I'm great how are you?

Hey there soul sister

hey how are u doing?

i love you

btw i'm in chat now :P

Been on at random times lol hopefully we can catch each other soon..fb been lagging so rarely on there :P

I have a different outlook now. You know, I love my brother, and I always have, but I guess I never really saw that even though my friends made me happy, he did too. I think I tend to see things as the person I'm currently around, like Tori, is the one that usually makes me the most happy, even though there is happiness outside of that person. But.. he's right - once that person that makes you happy disappears it feels like no one can replace or help keep that happiness alive. But.. my brother, and his fiance, and his friend all seem to care a lot if I'm okay. Like, he literally said,

"If this was with Ricky (another brother of mine) this conversation would have ended about fifteen minutes ago because I would have told him to grow a pair. But, when mom texted me and said that you were really sad, I kinda got sad too and actually started to cry. I don't like it when you're sad, kid, because it's my job as a brother to protect you and make sure you're happy."

Nobody's ever said that too me before. I've never gotten told by anyone, especially not in my family, that I'm "uber awesome" or "the best friend" of anyone. One of the first things he told me was that I shouldn't doubt if I was being a good enough friend because out of the hundreds he had, I was the best. He told me even if he was having the worst day and was pissed off at pretty much everything in the world, he could talk to me for five minutes about really stupid shit (this can go anywhere from how the dog runs into the wall when he plays fetch or how sucky the newest x-box game is) and make the day seem a lot less shitty.

A really small part of me still wants to take my life... but the rest wants to live to see tomorrow.

I shouldn't talk so much about myself but... I don't think I've ever been so... calm or dare I say it, happy.

My brother just helped out a bit, I just got off the phone with him... Even through ridiculous pain and tears, he still managed to put a smile on my face. My chest doesn't hurt so bad anymore.

Being here helps, even if it just means ranting and seeming really angry when I'm just sad and tired of holding myself back. I've almost always held myself back - I let myself bottle up emotion and convince myself, and everybody else, that the smile on my face isn't fake and my memories are good ones. But, no, that's not true. In fact, I've only shown about seven true smiles in my entire 14, almost 15 years of living.The rest are just... there.

I've really tried to tell my friends at school about it - hoping maybe, just maybe, they'll have some sort of advice and get that I need to be distracted or else they're going to be picking up a very sad, crying very hard Deandra. I've thought about the counselors, but they're all rude as hell and usually shush someone before they have a chance to speak. I've thought about even going to one of my teachers, like my spanish or english or science teacher and just handing them a note but... I have no courage. I have no yen to let them know that the reason I can't focus, the reason I can't hear what they half of the time is because the thought of death and pain and pills and cutting and caring and wishing and hoping and dreaming and sleeping and nightmares and every thing else blocks my mind. I try to distract myself but... nothing seems to work. Reading does a little, but that's about it. I used to write stories and journal posts but the only thing I wind up with is "It's your fault" or "Where is Seth?" or "I MISS TORI". Nothing seems... satisfying. I want to talk to my mother about seeing something about severe depression, anxiety, to maybe get some pills or therapy to help it... but I don't know how to bring it about that I've been in so much pain the last year and a half.

I don't have a lot of friends left, and that's a bit shocking for me - I used to have a group of friends who would cling around me and make me laugh and what not. Slowly... they disappeared. One left, another followed, more followed. I'd gain some, say something stupid, and I'd be alone again. The friends I have now... they don't really understand. They don't understand that the silent, strange girl they've paired up with doesn't enjoy life as much as they do. They're happy. They have good families and are decently popular and pretty and talkative. Yet, while they try to make me social, I have to back out. I get scared. It's like... if I interact with someone I don't know, I get really.. nervous. What my friends don't see, what I want to admit to Jason and Lateryka and Keyoisha is that the person they've met that seems rather happy and content is really ready to end her life and say "Fuck you God, I quit."

I would hope, that if I live to see the day, that if my children go through this I can give them sort of advice and give them a shoulder to lean on, unlike my own. My dad's a deadbeat drunk who usually forgets that I exist and my mom just... she's seen scars and cuts and heard me cry but never does anything about it. If a child of mine ends up with an eating disorder or self harm or an addiction to fucking pain killers I can tell them that mommy went there once, and it was a scary ass place but I pulled through. I won't tell them that they shouldn't feel that way because someone else in the world feels worse. That won't change how they feel.

I wish my family could see that. I wish they could see that comparing me to other friends and family is painful for me to hear. I wish they'd quit commenting on how I eat too much, don't eat enough, that my bangs are in my face, that my clothes are always dark or that my hair is never brushed, or that I need to be more social and stop spending so much time on the computer or how I need to suck my belly in. Listening to them point out every single little flaw in my appeareance, every little flaw in my emotion and the way I act, is like... it's like bullying me, but at home. And that's not good. In the fifth grade alone I had 11 bullies and my principal, no matter how much my brother and I complained about it to him, never did shit about it.

Speaking of my brother and this whole suicide thing with my friend... my brother tried to take his life in 2008 in front of me. He knew I was there... I know I was young (I was like nine) but... a part of me should have known to stop him, or have him take me home, or call my mom so she could come get me and make him stop drinking. I mean... to this day, I blame myself for letting it slip through my fingers. He's still alive, but... I always feel like I could have done something to prevent my friend's, or at least make him wait a little longer to see if things got slighly better.

My life is a mess. I'm trying not to let the stupid sadness take me over but... it's so hard. Seeking help, believing the help...