*Rainbow*Rider* Offline

you acomplish more than i do silly. my 32(or more) notebooks are in my room laying. i read them every year from then and i still continue the same ol' obsession story. maybe thats a bit crappy too. and its more of a script,conversations that i wish i could edit soon,now i have better visions,i guess.

i wish i could create the non script version of the story. and in those notebooks,some conversations are irrelevant. just some. i imagine it could be a movie or something. it would be THE GREAT acomplishment cause i wrote it before twilight came in(the movie with poor conversations,sorry to say it). guess im just more of a conversational person.

are the songs good? are they a bit popular? and you wrote poems for papers? you could write those here,cause the paper editors must have loved it.

i am fighting it. just saying making things better is going to change the whole look,design or whatever people might read in the future.

enough abot me.
so,you write too? like poems? or more like stories and novels?

um your saying i hould just ignore all they do say. or are you telling me i should follow shakespare and not the other guy?

sometimes tash gets too much confused.
i think its the 1st though.

the thing is that IF i do it,it get turned down and then i would be too embarrassed to write again,maybe i start again in 6 years. i guess you can call it complicated. or people read 1st page and say its junk. and even if 30 % of people in your town say that,call you weird,its not comfortable. if i improve my writing skills in school,more and more,i can create a masterpiece within 3 years. it sounds like a better choice to me.

though what if i give up on my dream till then...? ive been writing for 3 years straight. oh i'd love someone to slap me right now so i would stop thinking these things and about failures. i think the fact about 3 years can tell that i might write it good,that maybe its meant for me. but again,even no one in my family wasnt a writer. maybe it has to be in your blood...

i just think i am not ready yet. same for the staff application. im just not ready yet. i dont want to make a mistake so early.
its easier said than done too...
and young is like from 18 to 20. i still got plenty of time to improve. hoping that this world would be easier...

just hoping if i publish,it wont be so shitty.
i know how a writer would feel like if his/her books get turned down. an by anyone. were sensitive people,you know.

usually,genius books are made by clear adults,not teens.
AND books are preferably read by adults,not teens.

you know what? i'd rather wait 3 more years before i try anything risky.

yeah, thats nice to hear. maybe i should read more. but these serbian books make me sleep. i wished i loved books more but i am just picky about them. more trash these days. i havent visited the library in a long time.
ok,i used to love books while i visited the library. now,im just feeling like other teenage girls. we all love chick flick books? lolz i think theyre cheesy though.

i dont reconize when to act like nothing can hurt me in a situation. and i know. the criticizers are just jealous and mean. just bad random people. im still trying to convince myself into it. success must come pretty soon. when i talk to those that mean to me,i just forget the bad stuff. or im just with animals. it does keep me ticking.

you just had to mention books. reminds me of my writing cause when i do,its like im not even there. and while reading books like "little prince". i think i call it guilty pleasure. same with movies,music and games,just takes you away. though that books are the smartest solutions no matter what. and i kinda hate books which is weird.

yeah,we all wish that we would get rid of those pests in our minds. if they werent so invisible,i would crush them like bugs. its all cause of what we heard in the past so its all affected and infected by that. i mean,why should we listen to those criticizers who know nothing about our talents. they should just back off already. and cause of them, were afraid of other opinions cause we think they might be the same, that they might sound mean. so it hurts. at least we can try again and never give up at situations and life.

i know about that. sometimes colleagues can be a handfull so we can look at it as competition,depending on what the job is like. again,i think its best to ignore. maybe they get replaced. it happened with my mom's colleague. she works at the store but she really likes it there now. cause her friend works with her. i try convincing her to go out and hang out, she wont though... :/ not trying to get rid oh her. just trying to make her go and have fun. its pretty important.

complex as in psychological way,its a bit hard for me to explain.
like the example when a girl think shes really fat and she needs to stop eating but shes not. we call it complex here.
but i always think my talents might be just some stupid illusions in my head,that im extremely NOT rtalented and not an interesting person. that people pretend to be nice to me, so called "sucking up". it might be bipolarness and so might be social anxiety,not really sure.

and that...makes my forwarded plans go KABOOM sometimes,not lying. i believe i hate seeking attention so i dont do that either.

and i do not know what to do either. but what you call forwarded is the choices i know after high school. and money is even the problem. i have 4 years,nothing to worry though...

and not loving my job for the rest of my life is the thing i am majorly afraid of. everyone is...or not. there are relaxed types lol. there are so many people who are highly educated to be scientists,but they have a screwed up job cause there is no way they can find what theyre really educated for. its just not fair,but destiny/fate decides it all. maybe you should try earning some money fast,buy a house and get into some more education. or even be fine with what you have now. its just that the job you have is still great. maybe not luxurious. to be proud of though.