[Not4you]

So lately everything is coming back to me. It happened over a year ago but I wasn't able to deal with the trauma that came along with being raped at that time since I got pregnant from the situation. I kept the baby and he 4 months old now and I absolutely love him! I am currently 20 years old and married. My boyfriend and I always knew we wanted to get married so when I found out I was pregnant we decided to get married and raise the child together. No one knows except my husband and a few other people that the baby isn't my his, not even our parents. My son is amazing and I'm so glad to have him in my life, but it isn't always easy. When I was pregnant, I pushed off all of the thoughts of what happened to my since I knew I needed to focus on my child and that is what I did. My husband can't touch my in a certain way or I would freak out, if i was out driving (since my rapist and I live in the same town) and I saw the same type of car he drove I would panic, if people would say that my son looks like my husband I would want to cry....now don't get my wrong, I love my son but it is tough raising him knowing how he was formed. I did think about abortion when it all happened but I have never once wished I had followed through with that. Sometimes the flashbacks get to me and I am worried that I can't take care of my son during those times. I feel like I can't breath and I panic and can't focus. I need to be there for my son when he needs me and being a mother means he should come first. I have talked to a doctor and she gave me some meds for anxiety and I have another appointment with her later this week to talk more so hopefully that will help.

Im sorry that was SUPER long but it gets tough holding everything inside. Not many people have gone through what I have (not saying that it is any worse than what other people deal with). I just need to vent.