[Le Papillon]

I know the title's confusing. Im not really sure what it's called, but tomorrow everyone is going to my aunts, like people do after funerals, except my uncle didnt/wont be having a funeral. He went straight to cremation around noon on Monday after he died. I dont know if I want to go though.
I mean, it's my choice. I know that. But I don't know if I can be around that side of the family, knowing that he won't be there(he was the only one on that side of the family that accepted me/stood up for me) to protect me this time. I mean, I could barely do Christmas, and the only reason I could is because there was a possibility that he would come out of his bedroom(he didn't, so I ended up doing something stupid, but the hope kept me calm enought that it wasnt too bad) but now that will never happen. But I don't know if I can stay home alone either. The past two days, I've been on the very edge of a breakdown, and the only reason I was able to stop myself from falling down was because I had to hold my composure in front of my parents.
I don't know what to do- stay home or pay my respects. If I stay, I'll feel guilty. If I go, I'll feel caged. Either way, I'll get talked about. If I go, there's a good chance that I'll come home and break down. If I stay, there's a good chance I'll break down. I won't be able to do homework either way.
I just.. don't know what to do