[amystery]

Some of these are a little old but I'm posting them anyways...

It means a lot to me to hear you say you're proud of me and that I've come a long way. I know in my heart how far I've come but its something entirely different to hear you say it.

I spent my entire 21st birthday feeling like something was missing...and it kind of was. Numerous people wished me happy birthday on facebook but it wasn't quite the same. The birthday wishes that would've meant the most to me mostly didn't arrive. My best friend forgot as did some cousins etc. The people whose messages matter most seemed to forgot...don't get me wrong...I'm not typically a fan of birthdays...and I sit here and make excuses as to why they didn't message me etc but the truth is it hurt. I spent my 21st birthday at home alone...cleaning the house and doing dishes while my parents were at a christmas party n my brother was in the city doing some christmas shopping. Some birthday huh?

You may not know it but your birthday wish made me smile and it erased some of the piece that seemed to be missing. So....thanks...for being there for me when everyone else seemed to forget.

You're my best friend...I wish you would act more like a best friend.

Thanks for inviting me to Nichole's to hangout with everyone last night. Although it was a little bit awkward for me and I know I didn't really say much at all it meant a lot that you always include me. I didn't really feel much like conversing last night and i know I was permanently attached to my cell phone but I couldn't get my Grandma off my mind and I was scared that my phone would ring and something would happen. I didn't feel like explaining it to everyone but my grandma isn't doing well and doesn't have much time left.


Don't lie to me. I'm twenty one you don't have to act like you gave me a choice when in reality you didn't. I know for a fact that when Grandpa passed away I wasn't allowed to see him...now....years later you try and tell me that you give us the choice with stuff like that? Um...okay we both know that I didn't have a choice so don't try and tell me you did give us that choice. I understand why I wasn't given that choice at the time and I do know that you and grandpa didn't want us to see him toward the end...just don't try and cover it up with false information years later. I didn't have a choice....don't try and tell me I did.

Grandma...I love you sooooooooo much. I've listened to you say for years how you wish the good lord would take you or how you want to die and I learnt to brush it off but now Im being forced back to reality and the fact that you don't have long left. Going to visit you at the care home was hard...I felt so helpless seeing you that way. You seemed to be resting peacefully with all of us there visiting and for that reason I am glad I went to see you. I guess maybe you wanted us all to come visit hey? *quarter smile* I know I'm not much older now than I was when Grandpa passed away but this time I feel quite different with the whole situation..I guess its because I'm at home and more aware of everything thats happening and just being able to go and see you and see the rest of the family sitting with you. With Grandpa..I was extremely unprepared to answer the phone call I got but now I'm almost waiting for a phone call...as morbid and weird as that may sound.


I feel extremely alone and its proving more difficult to reach back out to people than I anticipated.


Anytime mental illness comes up, such as it did last night at Nicholes, I wonder what you would say if you knew about my depression and self harm. I know the things you guys talked about last night were more of the bipolar disorders etc but it was mental illness. Knowing you work with people with mental illness makes me think you wouldn't judge me but I think the rest of the crew would...plus....even though you work with people with mental illness I guess I still feel like its this label thats put on and stereotypes come along regardless...


I miss you a lot...Most days I'm too stubborn to admit it to myself but when I'm being honest I know its true. Its been almost a month since we spoke and the stubborn part of me doesnt' want to be the first to make contact but I also know that it probably doesnt mean as much to you as it does to me. You don't think that I can entirely push away from you...and while you are right about most things...this one...I may prove you wrong. I won't claim it to be easy and I wont say I don't miss you because I do but...i cant be attached to you