[SuperJenius]

Hello,

I'm SJ, I am a biologically female 17 year old from NY and I'm extremely confused.

I have always been attracted to boys but I always felt that I should be attracted to girls. Growing up I hung out with the boys, I was more comfortable with the boys, and when all of the kids role played I always had a male role. Although I never really played or enjoyed sports, I considered myself a tomboy. My parents let me dress however I wanted to most of the time (I went to catholic school; still do. So, I have always worn a jumper or skirt at school.) So, due to my parents' openness I always wore "boyish" clothing.

Around sophomore year, sweet sixteens started so I began wearing dresses, heels, makeup etc. I never felt uncomfortable in the stuff, rather, I actually liked dressing up once in a while...it felt...nice. I still dress up sometimes. Around that same time I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual; my sexuality has been a constant on my mind for as long as I can remember and for a while I was content and accepting of my sexuality, but soon I began to question it again. Was I really attracted to girls? I wasn't sure, but I maintained that I was bisexual. I never told anyone that I was bisexual, but if someone were to ask me I'm sure that I would not have denied it either.

A few months ago one of my homosexual friends, Sebastian, jokingly called me "A gay man trapped in a woman's body." After Sebastian said that I began thinking back on my childhood of GI Joes and playing Superman, and I began to entertain the idea of me actually being a gay man trapped in a woman's body. Was I transgender? I wasn't sure so I began researching it and as the days went on I was becoming more and more convinced that I was FTM Trans.

A couple of days ago I told my friend, Robby what I was feeling (Why I didn't tell Sebastian instead? I don't know.) Robby immediately said to me "You're not a guy." I was completely thrown off guard and forgot the rest of the speech I had prepared. As I tried to come up with a response and as my mouth flopped open and closed for a couple of seconds Robby continued on by saying "Is it because you like girls?" I told him that I wasn't even sure if I liked girls. Robby then completely changed the subject...I don't think he was uncomfortable; he was one of the first people to come out at my school. I didn't bring up the topic again and neither did he.

Now, I'm even more confused that before. I doubt that I'm simply a masculine girl, because I feel like my body is wrong. As the days go on I become more and more unhappy with my body, and also: am I bisexual? I know I am attracted to males but the women...I appreciate their beauty but I have never imagined ever being with one before...

Right now, my brain/heart/body (IDK) is telling me that I am male and I am attracted to them as well...but I can never be sure, and I need to be sure. I feel like I don't know myself and it scares me. I feel like my identity is lost and I have no body to help me find it. So, after two years of silence on TeenHelp, I have finally begun to ask questions about the "thing I need help with." Please, help me.


Thanks,
SJ