Note: sorry for the length of this.
I don't actually have an eating disorder, and I never have. I'm sorry if it seems really disrespectful of me posting here - I just don't really know where else to post this.
I guess my main question is: how do you deal with a messed up relationship with food which isn't actually an eating disorder? I don't really know how to eat normally. I don't want this to develop into an eating disorder, yet at the same time I just want to stop eating and lose weight until I'm either a good enough, valid person or I die.
I don't make myself throw up (I have tried a few times, but can never seem to do it properly); I don't overexercise (too self conscious to do anything but walk or exercise in my room, and I rarely really do the second one), I'm not severely underweight and I don't have the self-control to limit my calories for a really long stretch of time.
But for years on and off I've gone through phases of eating very little and losing weight, and then eating normally (but not really normally...doing things like not eating all day and then eating a lot in the evening, or snacking all day but not eating proper meals) and eventually gaining it back. For about a year this stopped, along with my self-harm - I maintained a certain weight for a long time. A few months back I started to get really stressed and upset again and it all came back.
Only this time I hate myself so much that I'm spending more time eating less, though I still have times when I stupidly lose control and eat what feels like too much and hate myself. I've lost weight (not a lot, but over 10% of my weight before, making me technically underweight) and not gained it back, and the only thing I really know is that I absolutely can't gain it back or it'll prove that I'm a stupid, worthless person who can't do absolutely anything right and doesn't deserve to live.
I'm scared to eat because I feel like I'll just lose control and gain weight.
Could this develop into a real eating disorder? Honestly, I don't think it could - in a way it doesn't feel like I'm actually
human enough for something like that to happen to me - but I don't know.
You'll probably tell me to get out of this while I can and start eating normally again, but the problem is that to be honest, I don't really know how to eat normally. I'm too scared to eat around people - I haven't eaten with my parents for years and I apart from for a short time last year haven't eaten lunch at school for years, so I just in the privacy of my room. I became vegetarian when I was ten and recently my mum decided I should be on a gluten free casein free diet since there's a possibility I might be sensitive/intolerant to them, which leaves me pretty limited. I get to choose my own meals, and I always feel like the choices I've made are wrong...I'm afraid of big meals or those I don't know the calories of.
Basically, I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should just try to eat as little as possible and lose more weight - then there'll at least be one less thing I completely fail at.