[shanadian]

So, last Friday, my counselor told me that yes, I am addicted to tumblr. I had suspected it myself for some time but was in denial, of course.

My life is a complete mess and I've been hiding from myself/responsibilities on tumblr for months. I'd come to the conclusion that I'm "waiting" to hit rock bottom before I try to pick myself up, do anything with my life. My counselor asked me to describe rock bottom and I didn't know what it was, but it maybe involved being kicked out of my house, not having access to a computer. (I don't know if I said it that blatantly.)
I didn't realize it until later but my counselor was probably trying to tell me that I have hit rock bottom already and I'm just not seeing it.

Anyway, that very night I did the opposite of what both I (and my counselor) expected [especially since neither of us had suggested it out loud]: I decided to quit going on Tumblr. Cold turkey (very nearly).
I'm using OpenDNS to block the domain, so I have not seen anything of tumblr since Saturday night.

The placebo effect works on me very well--as does the "no-cebo" effect. I knew before I loaded tumblr for the last time that I was probably going to go through some sort of withdrawal. My mom has confiscated both my computer and phone in the past, and I would almost immediately get so depressed/anxious that I felt unsafe. I was concerned this might happen again, especially since I was expecting it. I don't doubt that a large fraction of the unpleasant experiences I have are psychosomatic.

To my surprise, although I missed tumblr and a couple times had to stop myself from going on there, I didn't feel too unpleasant. My mood wasn't suffering much.

However. I stopped going on Tumblr because it was making me stay up all night when I didn't even want to. I thought, "Surely if I cut out tumblr completely, I will have so much more time on my hands that I'll be unable to ignore my responsibilities."
Nope! I have somehow managed to fill my time with sleep, other internet stuff, and Netflix.
Just tonight, I meant to go to bed at midnight. Did I? No. In fairness, I had finally gotten some inspiration with my writing so I spent maybe twenty or thirty minutes finishing up with that. I wouldn't be upset with myself over that.

But then, somehow, I convinced myself that I could go online just for a few minutes.
One thing turned into another and about quarter past two, I shut off my computer and went downstairs for no reason. I had some water and realized that I felt hungry, and have been hungry almost constantly for a few days now, and made the connection.

I am suffering from something akin to withdrawal but it's presenting itself in hunger, which I hadn't expected.

I sat on the couch feeling sad and mentally wrestling with myself over having some crackers (I have a dentist appointment this morning... I have to leave in like three and a half hours.) and getting back on the computer for the sole purpose of changing the block settings to block everything except a few websites that aren't problems for me. A few couple times I felt like I could start crying if I really wanted to.

As you can see by the existence of this thread, I lost the battle. It's after 4 in the morning and I haven't even been in my bed. And if I had brought the entire box of crackers (which was almost full) to my room I would have eaten them all by now but at least I had the good sense not to do that though I really wanted to.

So. I am addicted to the Internet. (This is just like that time I tried to prove to my friends that I could stop self harming any time I wanted...)

I guess I wrote this mostly to vent since I won't be seeing my counselor until the 15th and as it is nearing 4:30 am there's no one to talk to about this.

But I do also want to know what I can do about the "withdrawal" stuff.
I can't ever remember eating in response to stress to a noteworthy extent so I don't know what to do about how hungry I am all the time. I don't know at what point I need to indulge myself and at what point I need to stop.

I feel really depressed and I am a little afraid of what I'll feel like later.