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Name: Serena
Age: 28
Gender: Female
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Posts: 164
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Points: 10,133, Level: 14 Points: 10,133, Level: 14 Points: 10,133, Level: 14
Join Date: September 25th 2011

Unhappy my mom laughed when my doctor said I may suffer from anxiety - September 4th 2012, 06:06 PM

the title says it all. She laughed.
This happened a few weeks ago, but I was thinking about it last night.
I went to the doctor's because I always feel like my head is spinning, especially at night. My mom wasn't worried, but I was, so I told her to book an appointment.
When I went there, she asked what was wrong and I told her about this. Then she said 'it's anxiety caused by stress'. RIGHT IN THAT MOMENT my mom started laughing out loud saying 'why should she be stressed? She has no reason to'.
The doctor asked me a few questions about school and we started talking about this topic.
(I hate my school. It really drives me insane. Teachers treat me like I can't do anything, they say I'm not good enough, they're not satisfied even when I get good grades and the worst part is that my mom is like that too and my dad only gives a shit about school because he has to pay for it. Last year it was the worst year ever and MY MOM KNEW because I have told her a thousand fucking times that I couldn't take it anymore, but she didn't care).
Anyway, the doctor said that I need to, like, stop worrying about school, but I can't.
I mean, I hate the subjects I HAVE to study, I hate my teachers and I hate the fact that every adult treats me like I'm not good enough. Thanks to this, I can't even answer questions without feeling nervous, anxious and insecure, so when a teacher asks me a question I panic immediately, even if I know the answer. I fear questions, I fear my teachers and there's nothing I can do about this. I tried to change my "point of view", I tried to keep calm, breathe in and I tried to convince myself that I can do this, but I can't. I tried, but I failed and I don't know what to do anymore.

I can't live like this anymore. I can't stand the thought of my mom knowing about my problems and laughing about them like they were nothing.
She has never cared and neither has my dad. Once, my dad saw one of my self harm scars and all he could do was joke about it.

Why do they act like this? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM?
When I talk about dropping out of school they get angry but then, when I tell them I can't stand school they tell me it's just a phase. YEAH, A PHASE THAT HAS EXISTED SINCE I WAS 13. Yes, a phase. I'll be 16 in less than a week and... I don't know. School starts in 10 days and every time I think about it, I cry. I could be in the best mood ever, but I break down when I think about school. The worst thing is that I often end up saying 'I'd rather kill myself than go in there once again' and all my mother does is laugh at me like I don't mean it.

I can't stand any of this.
I don't even know what's the point of this post. I guess I need to vent, but... I'm so afraid. I don't want to live another year like the last one. I'd end up cutting myself again and I don't want to.
What can I do?


MONACHOPSIS
the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.