[Stuckinhell]

I'm so angry with myself right now. I don't know what came over me.
I gave my adress to a guy, who has forced me twice before. The first time, it was completely unwilling. He kept me there all night, hurting me, not letting me leave.

But then i didn't report him. Because he made me feel like I was wanted. He told me i was beautiful, told me how good i made him feel. And i needed to hear that. So i never reported him, just never saw him again.

A year later, i invited him to mine. Part of me thought he might force me again, but most of me thought it would be innocent, that he would have changed. He hadn't. But part of me enjoyed it.

So last night- about 6 months later. I invited him again. This time I knew what would happen. Yes, it's my fantasy to be forced. But as soon as he entered the house, i realised i was stupid. But then it was too late, coz i'd asked him, and i knew what would happen.

He'd given me a safe word after the second-time. So clearly he thinks it's all consenstual, at least to some extent. But i used it over and over, and he just laughed at me and carried on.

I'm so confused. I know it can't be rape because i invited him over. But i feel wrong, i feel hurt. I don't know how to feel. I do have a fantasy of being forced, which is why i never reported him, because part of it felt good.

But now i just feel so confused. Isn't that what a safeword is? That he should stop. So why give it to me if he wasn't goign to stop. Was it consensual sex or force?

Please help, i feel so confused.