[Kindred]

Hey Ellie,

First things first, I want to say well done for reaching out. It's not an easy thing to do, but I'm proud you've admitted there may be a problem here.

What you're describing here is a binge-purge cycle, which is basically where you starve your body of the nutrients is needs, so your body panics. Your body sends you brain what can be though of as an "SOS call". It needs food- and now. That's why you have the urge to eat as much as possible in a short amount of time.

I'm so sorry you were bullied, and I want you to know that whatever the bullies said, you shouldn't believe. Bullies are hurting inside, and that's why they lash out at anyone they think they can get away with it with. It's nothing personal, and neither were the things they said. It's an awful thing to go through, but remember that you're still here. You can prove just how strong you are by beating this eating disorder.

Now, disordered eating isn't something you can have forever. You need to either eat enough of your own free will, or you'll be admitted for treatment and force fed. Alternatively, you die. That sounds harsh, and I'm sorry for that, but there isn't a nice way to say it. A lot of the time when we starve and binge we forget the harm we're actually doing to our bodies. Eating disorders are life threatening, and it will claim your life if you allow it to. Don't let it. Surely you won't let it take your life after all you've been through? You're strong, and amazing. An eating disorder has nothing on you.

The fact you were fainting just confirms how dangerous this behavior is. You need help for this as soon as possible. Make an appointment to see your doctor, and explain all of this to him, or talk to your parents or a close friend. It's going to be difficult reaching out, I know. But it will be worth it. As a side note, the urge to binge will fade if you eat regularly and healthily. It's only present because your body is panicking at the starving part. Your body wants to stay alive, and will do anything in it's power to make that happen. Your metabolism will slow down, so your body doesn't use as may calories to keep you alive [it will return to normal once you are eating regularly], your hands and feet will become cold as the blood flow is being directed to your internal organs to keep them alive. Your heart is under a tremendous amount of strain, and so the risk of heart failure is a lot higher than normal. Again, I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh, but I just hate the thought of this hurting you and others. I'm trying to make you see how much your eating disorder is harming you, in the hope you'll choose recovery.

That leads nicely to my last point: recovery. Oh it's tough, it's a struggle, it's hard. But you know what? It is worth it. I have been in recovery for nearly 8 months. There's so much I can do now I couldn't do before. My exercise is still limited, but I can walk my dog alone without my parents texting me every 5 minutes to check I haven't passed out. I can go out with friends, have sleepovers, join in with meals out. I can explore the world, without being terrified of my heart giving in to the strain of my eating disorder. I'm happier, and although there are bad days, they're getting less frequent.

On top of those reasons, I'm going to send you a link to the "Reasons for Recovery" thread (here), the "Positive Books, Songs and Quotes for Recovery" thread (here) and the "Recovery Support and Achievements" thread (here). Take a look at these threads, and dip your toes into the recovery pool. It's brighter and sunnier over here, but you'll only be able to see that once you embrace recovery. Where you're at now is a dark, misty and unsafe place, but you can leave that place. Oh, and the recovery side has cookies. Wouldn't you like to eat cookies without feeling guilty?

You're beautiful, strong and amazing. I hope this has helped you a little bit, and remember I'm always here if you ever need anyone to talk to, okay? Chin up sweetheart, you can beat this. <3