First of all, you have a lot going on here. We may not be able to answer all of your questions; some you will have to answer yourself, but maybe you can get an idea of where to start.

First of all, it's COMPLETELY normal to be a female and watch porn. Unfortunately, a large portion of porn, especially mainstream porn, is made by men for men. Not a lot goes into making porn geared toward women. That's why it can be much more enjoyable to watch more "artistic" or "independent" pornographic films. They have the same level, if not much more, or eroticism while being more authentic and less male-focused.

In addition, please pay attention to what I am about to say: it is perfectly okay to be interested in fetish sex or to have fetishes. There are too many people, including people much, much older than you, that go through life having a fetish or fetishes and being ashamed of it, so much so that they never share that part of themselves with a partner because they are afraid of what their partner might say. They live life feeling guilty for something that is just a part of them, and that's no way to live.

I do realize that a large part of this has to do with a conflict between what you feel and your religious upbringing. It can be very difficult to grow up and realize that parts of yourself that are important, like sexuality, are in direct conflict with your religious upbringing/beliefs. That's a gap that many, many people have to cross, myself included. We all have to bridge it in some way. It doesn't mean REJECTING your beliefs, but it means discovering a way that they can coexist peacefully within you.

For example, there are a growing number of christians who are in support of marriage equality. Does that mean they aren't christians? No. It means they make a choice to consciously support marriage equality based on what they know of God and his love. But I digress.

Am I normal?

Yes, you are 100% normal. Fetishes and fetish porn are more common than you make think; it's easier to believe you are strange or weird when there is no one around you who you can talk to or who shares your interests. But there are others out there. And many of them once felt the same way as you do now.

What different ways can I try dealing with and enjoy my sexual desires without feeling guilty?

Well, realizing that there is nothing wrong with you can be a start. But this is something you have to answer for yourself. It really has to do with what I said earlier about bridging the gap between what you believe and what you know about yourself. It doesn't have to be one or the other. But you have to find your own way to know that you don't NEED to feel guilty. Once you realize you are wonderful and okay as you are, that guilt will naturally begin to go away.

Should I keep watching?

I cannot answer this one for you. It's up to you. It depends on why you think you should stop watching. Is it out of a true aversion to the material? Or is it because you think you "shouldn't" be watching it? As long as what you are watching is not harming you or anyone else by watching it, I don't see a reason why you can't.

Should I try and get past this guilt or is the guilt there for a reason?

Again, touches on what I said earlier. I suggest asking yourself WHY you feel guilty. Not because "my church taught me x, y, or z." The church isn't the one that gave you the guilt; guilt is a self-generated emotion. Ask yourself why YOU feel guilty. And weigh the facts out. You need to decide if there is a valid reason why you should feel guilty.

Are there decent men out there that want a traditional Christian marriage will understand that I'm too addicted to too many different kinds of porn and will NEVER be happy with a sex life that involves him and him alone?

I'm not going to say this one is impossible, because you never know. However, I will tell you that the definition of "traditional christian marriage" is one man and one woman who are monogamous with one another.

The first thing I want to point out is that really enjoying fetish porn is not necessarily an "addiction." If it's interfering with your everyday life in a significant manner, then it may be an addiction. But liking it in and of itself is not. Even if it was, the problem isn't WHAT you are watching, it would be WHY you are addicted to it.

By definition, you would probably not have a traditional christian marriage. However, there are christian marriages in which the marriage is open, i.e. at least one of the people involved has the ability to in some capacity be intimate or romantic with others. Keep in mind the partners both talk about this in depth and are okay with the boundaries they set up; that's what makes it an open relationship and not cheating. You would just have to be with the right person. He may be trickier to find, but that doesn't mean he isn't out there.

Do marriages exist where the couple is open and honest with each other sexually--without all the things I hear about fake orgasms and cheating without much of an attempt to spice things up before giving up?

This is actually part of an ordinary health marriage. Heck, it's a part of a healthy romantic relationship in general. If a couple is making the choice to be sexually active, they need to be able to be 100% honest about their sexual needs and desires. If they need to rely on fake orgasms and cheating to either mimic or find sexual pleasure then they are not ready for a relationship, let alone a sexual relationship. If you cannot be honest with your partner, then they are not the partner for you.

Do you think I'll ever be able to find a man who really loves and respects me who believes in the sanctity of marriage and that will understand and appreciate my sexual appetite?

Absolutely.


If you have any more questions or comments or concerns, feel free to PM me. My inbox is always, always open.