[i_dont_like_me]

yesterday i went to taco bell with my brother. after we got back we went upstairs to smoke some weed so i figured i had a good 20 mins. so i shoved a fork down my throat, i probly didnt even got half my burrito up, but i dodnt want to be in the bathroom to long, so i quit. when i went upstairs my brother was out of his room and done smoking, a bit early too... he asked if i was ok and i said my stomach was a bit upset from the taco bell. he asked if i threw up and i said no. but i guess he heard me, he must have gone down stairs when i wasnt paying attention. now he thinks im bulimic. he asked how often i do it and i said about once a week is true. but of course him in his dazed state decided he couldnt believe me. he said he wont tell our parents as long as he dosent think im doing it anymore. he said he would buy me some diet pills. because i guess he knows ones that work. he just dosent want me throwing up.

i dont know if im bulimic or not. i think im fine, but i cut too. not much just a little to calm me down when i get really anxious. he dosent know about that cause i cut my hips so no one sees. i have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but i dont like my pills. id rather be me than we on prozac.

i told my best friend who i trust more than anyone and he just said that he loved me and that he was really glad that i was back. cause i was out of the state for a year and just got back last month.

i dont know what to do...my brother has worried my parents enough with his fuck ups than me. i feel pressured to be the "perfect kid".

my brother is gonna move a few hours away. next year when im 18 he said i could come move in with him. but i need to get my shit together and get a job. he said people who have bulimia cant take care of their shit and that if i cant take care of myself then i cant live with him.

i just dont know what to do...