[colie18]

So here is the deal.

I am dating this guy that I basically grew up together from the day I was born. He is basically my best friend. His mother is best friends with my aunt, so we have always considered ourselves family, cousins to be exact. Recently.. i.e 3 days ago we started dating and no one knows. We are keeping it a secret. We don’t want our family to know because we don’t know how they would react, considering we consider him family, like my aunt considers him a nephew and we cousins consider him a cousin too. I don’t know what to do about that... I don’t like hiding my boyfriend from my sister or my best friends. It is so hard not telling them anything.

Here is the next problem however. I don’t know how to feel about him. I tell him I love him, but I don’t how if the love I feel for him is family oriented or boyfriend oriented. I just feel numb thinking about it. I don’t know if I want a relationship with him. I am just conflicted I guess. A part of me is like “he is family... he is your cousin... eww thats just gross.” While another part of me says, “You know you have always loved him just go for it and see where it leads, it might be something amazing.” And then another part says “Don’t do it because you don’t know where it is going to lead just watch out.. he is family be careful. “ I am so conflicted I don’t know what to think at all. I don’t know what I want. I mean I like being with him, but I just feel numb. Normally when I am dating someone I feel something.. like guilt and depression, (i.e this is wrong, I shouldn’t being doing this.) or I feel nervous and anxious, (i.e all I can think about is him, all I want to do is be with him, and thinking about him makes the butterflies crawl in my belly.) However with him.. i feel nothing.. like it isn’t real. Like he isn’t my boyfriend.. like he is still my cousin. I just feel nothing. I mean I feel a little worried, but other than that.. I feel absolutely nothing.

Here is a little more info:
We have already kissed. (again felt absolutely nothing through it)
He is 18 and I am 17.
We have only been dating for 3 days.
I don’t know if I even need a relationship at this time.. with college coming up and a whole bunch of stress on me from school and work and family. I don’t think I need a relationship but I don’t know.

I just someone else perspective on this whole situation. I don’t know what to do.