[Eternal]

I’ve always struggled at the root of the problem.
Has it been absence or my constant lack of defense?
I’ve never spent a lot on finding a remedy.
I guess I figured that it hurt for a reason.

I think the thing is that
I shut off from everything.
From friends and family
and my own ambitions.
From having fun,
I just shut off from everything.

Self-defeating? Yeah, probably.
But I don’t know that I had total control over it.
And I’m not sure it even matters why.

Sometimes things happen and you can’t do anything.
Plus, I’m the only one who deals with it anyway.

Sorry. I know I seem angry.
I’m not, I…I promise.
I just know I did this to me.
And I will deal with it accordingly.

I know I should’ve moved on ages ago,
been happy already,
but it’s never been that easy for me.
Or maybe it was me that made it so hard.

I know I’ve only ever tried a handful of times
to sever this thing torturing me.
It never got me anywhere, with anyone.
No friendship or hobby, no lover’s bed worked.

But looking back I maybe never tried hard enough,
and it is my fault.
Maybe I never tried at all