[i_like_black]

I don't want to work with you because I don't want to live.
I don't want to tell you that because it just sounds lame. I don't have anything I can kill myself with, so it's not like I'm in any danger.
So, what's the point of telling you? It won't achieve anything. We'll talk around the same circles that have been talked around for years.

I binge eat. I've never told anybody. I get these cravings. And I feel like I can eat whatever I'm craving until there's no more left, or I'm so full I feel nauseous. And then sometimes I keep eating, because the flavours are so. good. even though I feel sick and I don't need any more food. I think that's part of the reason I'm so fat. It's definitely part of the reason I have no money all the time. I can't even pay my Mum the right amount of rent, I'm so obsessed with what if I can't get the food I want. But I would never, never tell a psychologist, because of how shameful it would be. You can't admit to binge eating, especially when you can't successfully purge. It's so ultimately deprecating, far worse than being anorexic or bulimic . . . because everybody hates the fat girl with no self control. And I'm that girl, weighing a 3 digit kilogram number, which everybody knows is a lot.

I'm depressed all the time. I mask it by deliberately displaying symptoms that I know get listed as elevated. I never admit to the hopelessness or the despair, although maybe they assume it's there. I don't admit that I swing between severe insomnia and severe hypersomnia, where I go between struggling to get 2 hours sleep to sleeping 16 hours in a single day. I don't even know if it can be considered a symptom when it's so inconsistent. I suffer from constipation and diarrohea when my moods are worst. I've never been able to admit to it - how do you admit to a clean, fresh smelling psychologist that your bowel movements are one of your symptoms? You just . . . can't.

And the constant, never ceasing, urge to cut, to do something drastic, to find some way out. It never ends. IT NEVER ENDS.

And if anybody happens to both read this, and care, and feel the urge, please PM me. Please.