[savealife723]

i shouldn't care about you anymore. you shouldn't be as big of a part of my life as you are. i still think about you all the time and wonder where we'd be if i was still with you. part of me thinks that i wouldn't even be alive.. i should have stopped you from doing all of that but i didn't know what i could go. i was so scared of you. i was scared of disappointing you and losing you. and now look where i am. i've lost you. i couldn't be everything you needed me to be, and i'm so sorry. i wish that i could go back and change times so that i wouldn't have messed up so often. if i hadn't had messed up, you wouldn't have hit me. you wouldn't have had to be so rude to me. but i know that i deserved it. i made your life hard for you. i'm so sorry for everything wrong that i did. and now, there you are. sleeping your way through girls to get rid of the pain that's inside you. having no one to truly talk to or trust because i broke everything we had between us. and now, here i am. trying to find a way to be happy again, but truly only wanting you back. i miss the nights where you'd call me and ask to come over. when you'd text me asking how i was and if i wanted to hang out with you. yes, yes was the answer every single time. we saw each other constantly, but even that wasn't enough to take away me missing you. i would have spent forever with you if i could have. i tried my best for you, but it wasn't enough and i can see that now. part of me thought that i never deserved you hitting me, and pushing me, and kicking me around, but now i see that i did deserve it. it was always my fault for upsetting you. for not always answering the phone. for not always being at my house when you would come over to check up on me. it was all my fault, and i wish i could go back and change that now.. but i can't. and now you're off to california for a week.. watching you leave this morning was the hardest thing i've done in a long time. i felt like we were breaking up all over again. i couldn't stand watching you grab your bags and walk out the door. i know you're only going for a week, but it feels like so much longer. it seems like you're leaving me forever, and that's a feeling that i just can't take. i know i shouldn't care because i have someone knew. and please don't get me wrong, i care about him so much and i'm so happy being with him. he makes me feel like everything in my life is right for once. but that doesn't change that i still miss you and how we used to be. you always knew what to say, or do to make me feel better. you were my best friend and so much more than that as well.. all i've known from the very beginning is that i don't want to be away from you, and this morning i watched it happen.. i wish you would have turned around to see that i was crying.. maybe then you would finally see that it wasn't all just fun and games to me. i cared about you so much. i loved you. and watching you walk away and leave, only if it's even for a week, hurts me so badly.. i don't understand why things have to be this way. i miss the old way of things.