[amystery]

Hey you, I guess Im not entirely sure why I'm writing you at the moment except that clearly I'm not using my head, but rather my heart. I guess I don't typically follow my heart when I should or for that matter my head. Though it's been 25 hrs since I last skyped you it feels like its been forever. (well more since its taken me forever to write this and convince myself to send it) I miss you and my words can't express how much it pains me to see you hurting. I want to curl up and sleep forever. I woke up this morning and rolled over to look at my phone, knowing it wouldn't have any messages but hoping it would. I wrote text messages to you and deleted most of them today. I caved and sent you a few but convo was empty and I feel I should stop texting altogether or something because its hurting you more. The selfish part of me wants to do anything to get you back but in my heart somewhere I know we probably shouldnt be together right now and it kills me. A few months ago if you would have been the one to break up with me I'd have probably been okay with it, or rather more okay with it. I wanted you to realize that you deserved to be with someone who lived closer and could give you all those things that I can't from a distance. But now? I've fallen for you harder than I ever thought possible and knowing youre hurting is the worst part of this all. I want to drive down there and cuddle with you and make it all go away but no matter what I know I can't do that. I can't be the one to make you happy right now no matter how much I want to be and no matter how much I know Im going to try anyways. You told me you decided to take tae kwan do classes and I'm excited for you. I know you've been wanting to take classes and it'll give you something to do. Hopefully it'll help you and give you something to do instead of thinking etc. My head and heart both tell me different things and so do the people I've talked to but I hope that some how we figure things out, whether we decide to be friends or eventually get back together. I don't know where life will take the two of us but where ever you and I end up I hope you know how much you mean to me...how much you will ALWAYS mean to me. You've gotten me through more tough times than I could even begin to mention and you've helped me grow into the person I am today. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling to find my place right now and I'd also be lying if I were to say I'm fine. Its a struggle to stay away from old habits but I try to remember what it would do to you if you found out.(..but would you really want to hear that I'm perfectly fine right now anyways? I'd think that would be almost as horrible as hearing that I'm miserable.) I'm struggling right now but I like to think that we'll figure it all out...at least thats what Im trying to tell myself. I need to tell myself that but I'm not very convincing sometimes. I worry about you and I wonder when we'll be able to talk like we use to or if that will ever happen again. After writing this I realize it stupidly long and only getting longer so I shall spare you anymore reading and end this shortly. I'm not sure if this even begins to show you how much you mean to me or if it really got anywhere at all. You may decide not to even read it and i guess in that case you havven't got to this point aha but I hope you do read it. I don't expect you to write back though I would love to hear from you whenever you decide to write.