Sorry I didn't reply earlier, I've been in the middle of exams. I'll address the personal babble first with more personal babble.
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Originally Posted by The Man And XX Master
I've never understood why someone, especially when they are older, would want to commit suicide. Everyone has gone through rough patches in their life. For example, before I was 16 years old, I saw half a dozen people killed before my eyes (either they died on the spot or were brutally mangled and died elsewhere pretty). I went with my father to have my grandmother taken off life-support and watched her face. To tell the truth, when we visited her previously she was in such shit shape when I looked into her eyes it was hard to tell if she were alive or dead, so when she finally died it was rather anti-climatic. The first thing that came to mind was how close the hospital was to that amazing fast-food restaurant, so we went there and I slept in the car on the way home quieter than a stuffed dog.
Anyway, you gave some personal babble so I gave some personal babble but my question still stands, what made you want to kill yourself when you took a shower with a toaster or got pill-happy?
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Well first I think you're making the mistake of thinking suicide is a result of evaluating your life and then weighing up the pros and cons to see if life is worth living. The first thing is nobody (in my experience, feel free to correct me if you think otherwise) is that rational when trying to kill themselves, unless maybe their reason is something like they don't have long to live (but that's a whooole different argument). Suicide is irrational by nature and which is why I'm on the fence about whether or not it's selfish. I wouldn't defend it like I'm sure some other people who have been suicidal would but I'm not sure you can critisize someone of not thinking about others or about their family when they decide to off themselves because that would require foresight and logic which probably aren't the strong points of someone who's going to kill themselves. Not saying they don't or can't think about it (I did when I was older) but your rational thought process is kind of messed up in that position. I think that's probably magnified 100x when you're ten years old because 10 year olds are lacking in the rational thought in general.
The second thing is that my life was never really that bad to warrant killing myself. I certainly never went through anything you described (other than one thing which I'll talk about in a second). It wasn't about the things that happened to me, it was just about how I felt. I just felt so hopeless all the time, like I didn't have a future so there was no point trying to live. I'm actually pretty good in bad situations. The one you described with your grandmother resonates with me because my grandfather died earlier this year after a long and drawn out illness. I was there when he died, and everyone was so sad. I didn't cry, instead I kind of contemplated what people would think of me if they realised I wasn't crying. I also took it upon myself to look out for everyone else and made sure they were okay. The only time I cried was at his funeral when my nephew got up and said he didn't want our grandfather to die, because I felt sad for my nephew, not because I missed my grandfather (although I did). I've always been like that. In the sucky situations I'm strong. It's the moments inbetween that really get me. I remember last year my mum OD'd and left the house saying she was going to kill herself and my sister called the police. My sister cried so much but I didn't even really blink. Maybe that was because I was used to it since it was no where near the first time it'd happened. Truth be told if I hadn't had grown up with my mum trying to kill herself all the time and being so depressed I probably wouldn't have done it myself, because it seemed so normal to me. That's only speculation though.
Also this detail might be irrelevent but it was a radio, not a toaster. Not sure why I said toaster, I think I've been watching too many horror movies. You know, suprisingly enough it doesn't do anything like in the movies
. Who would have thought?
Also sorry for dedicating a novel to my personal BS.
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Originally Posted by The Man And XX Master
So you were trying to teach your mother a lesson through self-sacrifice?
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Kind of I guess but it wasn't as simple as that. Suicide (or the thought of it) wasn't just a tool to get what I want or punish people, I was genuinely depressed. But yes, I did think about killing myself to teach my mother a lesson to an extent which I realise now is a horrible thing to say. But ten year olds are stupid.
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Originally Posted by The Man And XX Master
I never said they had the same mental capacity or ability, I said people are all illogical and irrational to varying degrees.
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I know what you said, I just think that responding 'everyone is illogical irrational' to the statement that ten year olds are illogical and irrational by nature while true is downplaying how much more illogical and irrational children are compared to adults.