[Vrambourne]

I will admit, I am fascinated by blood. How it feels, how it dries. How it moves, it's colour and reflectivity. But there are easier ways of getting blood. I mean, I could just go to the butchers and ask for some.

But something should be taken into consideration, I bleed very often. I am almost 'meh' with my approach to blood. (I subconsciously scratch at scabs, so I often have one or two open wounds). There have been times I've been bleeding and I haven't noticed, my friend points it out and I just wipe it away with a tissue. While sometimes I will watch, fascinated, at a drop of drying blood - wondering if it will dry or congeal - I will often completely ignore it.

Another thing to add is how rarely I self harm. While when I was younger I might do it every few hours now I barely do it at all. I don't think that before yesterday, I had hurt myself since the spring. Possibly even before that. It's so infrequent I don't think about it. Therefore most methods of simulating blood are a tad hard to do. If I went to buy a red pen, i would probably lose it by the time I needed it. If I coloured some ice cubes and melted them in my hands, I'd probably just defrost them to make room for soemthing in the freezer - or put them in a drink - before I needed them.

And when it comes down to it, the cuts I make on my arm are tiny. The amount of prep it would take to avoid cutting is far more effort than looking after a small cut from infection.

I would rather find the cause of my self-harm, and solve it, than find other ways around it.

But this self-harm feels empty and meaningless. The pain means nothing. There is no elation, there is no sadness. There is just the before and after...