[youatemypeanut]

I'm addicted. Every time I give it up it lasts a few days or weeks and I get a very very very very very strong urge so I go out and buy razors. I now have about 15 razors in my purse right now. I've been cutting for four or five years now, self harming for practically my whole life, and I just can't not do it. It's nearly impossible.
I'm not sure where it stems from and I'm not entirely sure how it started up. All I know is when I do it I'm in such terrible emotional pain that I just can't express. It's this tightness in my chest, this knot in my throat, this burning all over my body. It's just a horrible pain.
I don't know where it comes from, and the only way to relieve that is to
a) cut
b) smoke weed and cut
c) drink till I drop and cut
d) pills and cut

b, c, and d are eliminated due to limited access and the fact that I promised myself I would never get back into pills. And I slipped up 2 months ago and got back into Vicodin. Managed to stop again, but the urge is still there and I have my hook ups.
Tried overdosing on it last month and nearly died because of it.
Anyway, point is, am I the only one that absolutely for the life of me, cannot stop?
My arm is all cut up and I have to wear a wrap or a long sleeve shirt to work and I'm sure people are getting suspicious, not that I really care because it's none of their business but still...
I'm just in a horrible place right now, and I pulled out of it for a couple of weeks, but I'm just right back in it.
I'm at a loss.
I'm such a lost cause.

How can I stop if I don't want to? Is that even possible? I didn't think it was but if anyone has an idea please enlighten me.

Thanks guys,
Peanut.