[amystery]

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to make our relationship work. I care about you in a way that I can't even explain and you've gotten me through some of the hardest moments I've had to face but maybe that's the problem...I'm scared that when I'm around you I totally let myself break down like that. I did the one thing that I always told myself I wouldn't.

When I hurt myself it wasn't as big of a deal to me...I don't know how to explain it except that it didn't matter as much to me when I hurt myself as if I was hurting someone else. But I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER let anyone see me like that...I would NEVER let someone else see me totally break down and hurt myself. Around you though I've broken that promise more then once and it terrifies me to know I did that to you not just once but many times. The look on your face is permanently in my head and no matter what I do its all I see. It drives me crazy to see the hurt in your eyes and know that I'm the one who caused it...that I legitimately told you not to tell me you loved me...that you had to see me completely break down and that you had to hold me down like that...to know how much I've worried you and pushed you away and...just everything I've done and how much pain I've put you through. For whatever reason I feel this distance between us still and I wonder if it's just the physical distance that is between us or if its more of an emotional distance.

Ever since you told my family that I was super depressed and hurting myself etc my world has completely changed. I keep playing it off like it didn't happen and they don't know but eventually I'm going to have to face it for real. I haven't seen my family in person since you told on me and I wonder if it will all flood back to me and overwhelm me when I see them. I want to get out of here and I want to go home but part of me wonders if its such a good idea. Im eager to go home and get away from life here but at the same time facing my family and knowing that now they know that everything really isn't so great....its hard. Don't get me wrong my family is totally amazing and I love them more then anything in the world but Im not use to talking to them about things like this and I always promised myself that I wouldn't put them through this again. I promised myself that they would never have to find out that i was depressed and hurting myself and if they had it'd be long after I'd overcome it. I guess that's what most people think though...that nobody will notice and nobody will ever find out about it.