[horselove66]

oh, i put my birthdate in wrong. i just turned 16 today......

ok, this is a very long story....but here goes-

when i was 15 in may of 2011 one of my guy friends raped me. thankfully, he used a condem and i didn't get pregant. i told my parents and he got put in juvy. i couldn't hold him off he was much heavier than me.
i wasn't supposed to date anyone, but in the end of may this guy, who was super hot and popular (chris) started paying attention to me. he was so sweet and told me he loved me and all that crap. and i started dating him secretly. things where ok, until in june he raped me. and he kept raping me. he abused me phyiscally, mentally, and emotioanlly. telling me i wasn't thin enough, or hot enough. he constantly raped me against my will and NEVER used birth control. he scared me. he constantly hit me and hurt me.

i started cutting and developed anorexia. one day in august, my bff shawn (known him since i was 2 and he was 3!) was over and we where goofing off and my shirt slid up and shawn saw my hip bone. he was shocked and then when he tried to confront me about it, he grabbed my arm and saw the cutting marks. he was horriffied. but forced me to spill it.

shawn went with me when i broke up with chris. he protected me from him, and helped me get over it. shawn is a really great guy. he has a great personality and is everything a girl could want, sweet, funny, hot, romantic, and he's really cute (think peter parker from spectacular spider man without glasses and a bit taller with a lil six pack), but he's considered a loser at school because he doesn't date and has never had sex.

he was with me the entire time and stopped me from suicide, cutting, and anorexia. he's the best thing that ever happened to me. and then on 8/1 we where watching titanic and something in him clicked. he leaned over and kissed me. i was a bit shocked, but i kissed him back. he asked me if i wanted to date him and i said yes. we've been dating for almost three weeks. but on 8/15 we where alone at his house and we made out. it was amazing.

but, ever since the end of july i've been feeling really sick and i've been vomiting. i weigh alot less and i'm just sick. my breasts are super sore and i'm dizzy. i thought i might be preggo so i took a test on 8/17. and it's positive. there is no way i'm pregnant with shawn's baby it's chris's child.

i called shawn up and told him. he's livid at chris, but doesn't blame me. he offered to say the baby was his, but i told him no. this is chris's fault. if he hadn't have raped me and used a condem, i would't be in this place.

i feel like crap. i told my parents last night and they kicked me out so i'm staying with shawn. i don't know what to do. i'm scared to death and i don't want to abort this baby. i can't kill my own child. even if his/her father was a @ss. shawn says he'll be here for me, but he's only 17! he doesn't need a messed up girl in his life. he deserves so much more.

i just want to die. i started cutting again and i want to kill myself. only thing stopping me is that i'm pregnant and i don't want to kill my baby.

i don't know what to do. i could go stay with my grandmother, and i know shawn will drive me to her house, she'll support me, but how do i tell chris? i don't want anything to do with him! shawn says he still wants me, but what if he doesn't? i'm scared. i still have nightmares because of chris. he forced me to do stuff to him and he beat the crap out of me constantly. i'm scared to go anywhere alone.

please don't say it's my fault. i'm scared enough as it is and everyone is crapping on me. i know i made a mistake, just please give me some advice. i just want to die. shawn and my baby are the only reason that i'm still living.