[kidfromnowhere1]

I was 15 and there was this guy who was a cool senior. He was the best basketball shooter on our team. I was a tenth grader that winter. I had liked him I think. He was charming cute and had a great sense of humor for the most part. Not to mention at the time I did have a thing for tall guys. Anyway I noticed him a lot before he noticed me. Then, in March we started talking a lot. He gave me the time of day which was odd. I was always the weirdo at school a nobody. I guess I kind of obsessed over him. Like my mind belonged to him and all I could think of was him and when I'd get a glimpse of him. I loved when his eyes lit up I loved when he was serious silly sweaty from work I liked it all. I said once I thought he was the greatest guy I ever met. I confided in my best friend saying I loved him. He always said I was getting too attached. I kind of looked up to him. Anyway, we texted a lot. I always was like texting him and I always wanted to talk on the phone. Just to hear his voice I felt butterflies in my stomach. One day he asked me if I was gay and then if I ever had sex and then about a private question. I said I was gay for him and I wouldn't mind if he was the first I had sex with. I was seductive in the text I know it was one of my biggest mistake I made. I also sent suggestive photos I had sent to him which was the hugest mistake. I was religious before this. I had religious principles before him. I tried to ignore it. I tried to pretend I gave it up. I did things I wouldn't have done for anyone in this world. I actually intended to save myself until marriage. But I liked his attention the more sexual banter we had. However, when it actually came to being active. I couldn't do it really. And I regret I answered that way because it wasn't the truth in what I was actually wiling to do. And I didn't even mean at the time that I would be willing to so soon. Even though it was he who I fantasized and dreamed about ever since I met him. Well shortly after that, he kissed me and I let him. He went further I said no that I didn't want to. I, tbh, felt wrong with just kissing him. Idk if it was because I'd never kissed anyone before or just that I knew I wasn't supposed to. Plus I'm not usually attracted to guys. Even though before that I did have thoughts but it sort of eventually went away like it would come sporadically, but mainly I kind of blocked out sexual thoughts and activity. I grew up in a pretty traditional family if anyone found out. They'd totally disown me. My sisters and I spent our young years in a very religious community. Many of both my mom and dad's family are still there. My mom only took us and left because of a dispute. I always was taught that much of the outside world had a low moral conduct and I thought I'd never fall. But I eventually did. And I know none of my family would think any of what I did was acceptable. Neither would I. Anyway, it wasn't what I wanted yet I didn't want to disappoint him. And he seemed pissed when I said no anyway. Later on, well I was almost 16, and my parents were planing on moving. Anyway, he said he wanted to see me one more time before I went for good. I, too, wanted to say my goodbyes. We had such good times. Did so much together more than just the sexual side. I had bonded as a friend to him and he was so important to me. So I went to his place. When I got there he was all funny though acting like not himself. And the time there it was awkward. It was like he had something else on his mind but wouldn't tell me. Anyway we spent that afternoon together. I did something else stupid after this. I let him talk me into having a drink. I don't drink usually don't actually plan to ever never did up until that moment. I felt so bad and out of it just with one drink. I remember him kissing me me kissing him letting him do anything he wanted with me myself somewhat doing oral so obediently wanting to say no but I couldn't say really anything. I mentally didn't really have a choice like I wasn't there. Like I don't even remember having sex just that there was blood all over when I came back and I felt as though I had an erection and I was in his bed his room completely undressed so yea. But the whole actual thing went really black. I believe I was drugged which were bad effects later on because I only had one drink and he had a drink and it wasn't the same. But I felt violated traumatized ashamed and betrayed. I got home bawled for hours. I felt so stupid used and tricked to let that happen without doing anything about it. I thought he loved me that he wouldn't do that that I could trust him. He also threatened if I told he'd say I wanted it since I did say while texting several time I wanted to be sexually involved and even showed videos of me masturbating etc. I tried to put it all behind me like I never met him but I couldn't. It's just been eating at me my self esteem and isolating me putting a wall between people I cared about. I lost my family the close bond I had my closest and cut my true friend off and I just cut myself off from the world around me because I was and am too scared of being hurt again. It's been a year and I still haven't been able to move on. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me and I'd never wish it on anyone. I feel like no one would understand why I did all the things to provoke it. I also I got anstd which made me feel me like a dirty slut. Like it was that reminder for a while of him. But I'm std free now. I know it all sounds dumb and all but that's how I truly feel. I feel like it was GOD punishing me as well for not the many times I didn't listen to my moral compass to please a guy who apparently didn't care about me and have really renewed my faith since the only really good thing I got from it which is a lot I am not going to pretend. Anyway was it rape even though all that I did? Also any advice?