[Saria]

So I'm pretty sure I most likely have an eating disorder but I haven't actually been diagnosed with one. I haven't really been to see a doctor to talk about it either though so there hasn't been the opportunity to be diagnosed with one though either.

Anyway I'm pretty sure that thinngs are getting worse and I am really starting to fustrate myself.

There is a lot going on in my life and a lot of reason that probably contribute to my eating disorder/habits. At first I didn't eat a lot because I quite often feel sick in the stomach from being stressed and anxious and the thought of food makes me feel sicker and so I used to just skip meals. Now its getting more then that though and has been getting progressively worse for probably close to 3 months now.

Over this period I have been eating just very little and not as normal meals and generally people haven't known that I have been eating.

It seems that now I constantly think about food and think about how I shouldn't eat and part of me feels like I want to have a serious eating disorder. I feel like I just want to starve myself until I disappear. I know this won't happen but I might get very ill and end up in hospital but there are times when I feel like this would be better then living at home.
I constantly tell myself and think that I shouldn't eat if I want to lose weight and I feel so fat even though I know inside of me somewhere that I'm not fat. Despite this though I feel really fat and just feel as though no matter what I weigh its not going to be enough. At the moment my weight is just on the boarderline of healthy and underweight but I really want to be underweight.

I don't weigh myself all that much though probably more then I should, probably about once a week, sometimes more sometimes less. Anyway I know that despite the fact I haven't been eating properly I haven't been losing any weight either.

I sort of have to eat my dinner because we sit down as a family at the table to eat, but a lot of the time I'll eat half of my dinner and make up all these excuses so my parents don't make me eat but they don't suspect anything and normally I get away with it and mum just thinks I don't like her cooking.

Throughout the day though I don't eat much. I skip breakfast pretty much everyday and don't eat my lunch during breaks at school. This is probably because I've been spending a lot of time in the deputy principals office during classes and break times because she is one of my support people. I don't like to eat in front of her because she knows that I don't eat and has said to me before that she thinks I probably have an eating disorder. I also don't eat in front of her because I feel like if she sees my eating she is going to think that I am ok and that I don't need her support and she is going to stop caring about me.

So I quite often will eat some of my lunch at the end of the school day before I ride my bike home because I feel as though it doesn't count as eating because I am about to burn it off on the ride home.

Everytime I do eat though I always feel so guilty and feel like I am fat and just regret eating and feel like I am not strong enough to refuse to eat. My thoughts drive me insane and I really fustrate myself when I eat because I don't want to eat and yet I still do it.

I hate feeling full and knowing I have food in my stomach and quite often I will deliberately go for a run after eating.

Pretty much all the time I am thinking about food and when I eat I try to only eat little amounts but there are times when I will sort of just binge out on food as well. I don't know if that really is the best way to describe it though because its like I binge out on junk food or anything. It normally is healthy food that is part of a balanced diet I will just eat a lot of it in a short amount of time, which then leaves me feeling bloated and sick because my bodies not used to it.

Its really starting to affect my physical health too because when I haven't been eating or if I have been hungry and haven't eaten then I feel sick in the stomach and like I am going to vomit not that I ever do. Also quite often when I have been sitting for an amount of time when I go to stand up or move I experience dizzy spells and feel light headed and like I am going to faint. It also seems that I constantly feel lathargic and have no energy whatsoever and am so fatigue and exhausted.

So I guess thats everything. Its probably seems like just a rant. I guess I want advice though. I don't know what to do. A huge part of me feels like I don't really have an eating disorder because I have full control over it and I do eat but at the same time I feel like I do. I am just so confused about it though and don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should try talking to my deputy principal about it more or if I should see a doctor about it or what to do. I just feel so lost and feel like I am making a big deal out of a really small thing. I don't know. Do I have an eating disorder or not? The things I do and the thoughts I have surely can't be normal, right? Please help.