[Cristi.Matt]

I know it shouldn't, but it makes me laugh to think that just a few months ago I thought to myself "I'll NEVER make myself throw up. It's disgusting. I don't know how anyone could do it" and now i do it. I've stuggled with anorexia since 7th grade (im a junior in high school now) and as of a few weeks ago, I started making myself throw up. I've never been officially diagnosed, but i don't think its too hard to figure out that when you stop eating (or start making yourself purge) because you feel fat it's probably not exactly what most people would see as "normal". To be honest, I'm not totally sure why I'm posting this. I mean... I want to stop but at the same time I don't, if you guys know what I mean. I'm feeling really numb right now and to be honest i like this feeling. I get tired of being depressed and having to act happy. I get tired of hearing all the names people call me and having to live up to the high expectations. Even my mom and dad expect me to be perfect. I can't gain weight cuz they call my fat but if i lose weight then they accuse me of drugs. But I keep hoping if I lose weight by purging and starving myself, at least I'll only have to deal with my parents not EVERYONE. My friends tell me I'm skinny, but how am I supposed to believe that when everyone else is half my size! I've noticed this has sorta just become a rant and I'm sorry, I just really needed to get that out. I don't want to deal with this alone. I know I act like I don't want help, but I do. Please, don't leave me alone.