[facade]

I need you in my life. That's the reason I continuously tell you that it's alright, that all is forgiven; and I always truly mean it. I'm afraid that I'll lose you again if I were to be upset with you for a long period of time...

If I tell you that I need you in my life, you are most likely going to respond with "you don't need me, you survived 15 other years without me" and while I did spend 15 other years without you, it changed when we first started talking. Every time that you leave or are gone, I'm not myself anymore. I am so far from being myself... When you're not around, I'm unhappy and incredibly careless. I don't care if something bad happens to me, I let it break me down. I don't care about how my friends are feeling, or how I'm treating them... They're just there. I'm just there... But when you are around, I basically always feel happy. Even when you or I are upset, I still feel a bit of happiness. That sounds terrible to feel happy when you're upset... But, I'm happy that you're alive, that you're okay, that you're in my life...

It's so unhealthy how much I seem to depend on you, how much emotions are so easily affected because of you...

So there it is. One thing that's bothering me, one that's wrong. I'm terrified of losing you... And now it seems like even after everything I attempted to try, to prevent from losing you... It seems that I'm failing. Am I losing you? Because it feels like I am...