[Maloo]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this right now, but I'm a little confused.. You say that you didn't know what was going on, but you're able to give a quite detailed description of what happened that night. That leads me to think that you weren't really all that drunk, or else you probably wouldn't be able to remember all of those details.

I still think you should get professional help about this though, they should be able to clear up a lot of your questions better than we can.