[CrystalJade]

I was at a party last night and I got so wasted. I took my phone in the pool without knowing it, poured my heart out about wanting a real mom and I couldn't walk, I could only crawl. I was really worried about my best friend that was with me that night and somehow I ended up in a room. I kept asking where I was and they kept telling me the owner's mom's room. Then I remember someone making out with me but I can't remember their face. I know who it was though because they told me when asked and I can remember their voice. It was a guy I have a crush on. Every time he would leave or anything I would fall out of bed and start crawling. Someone would pick me up and put me back on the bed. Then the guy would finger me, go down on me and have me boob **** him. He made me give him a hand job and a bj and get on top. I wasn't getting wet, I couldn't, and he started off with a condom on but took it off later. He was having problems getting it in and finally he got it in. During this time I asked if I was tight (he kept saying he couldn't get it in) and he said very. I was so drunk I can't remember feeling his tongue or fingers. He pulled out and had me give him a bj to finish him off and kept saying "don't use your teeth" I kept saying "I'm trying" then he busted in my mouth, on my face and on the bed.

Soon after the cops showed up at the house because my friends mom and my dad made a report that we were missing. She was passed out on the couch and I was on the floor hiding and pretending to be asleep. They came in when no one answered the door and sent us home with our parents.

I woke up today and I have bruises everywhere... my knees, legs, thighs, arms, top of my hands, back, face, and my sides. My vagina is really sore and I just looked, I'm really dry and it looks like rug burn and my vagina is bruised. I knoe I did some of the bruising on my own from falling off the bed but the rest aren't mine.

Every time I left the room someone had to tell me my boobs were hanging out and I also said something like "you're better than my ex and bigger". It hurt quite a bit and I know I made a lot of noise (moaning and such). Earlier that day we were all talking and I said I'm not into just having one night stands and I liked long term relationships. My bestie also liked the guy that had sex with me and I kept asking why me and asked why he doesn't do it with my friend (she wanted to with him).

I feel ashamed, used and low. I did everything he said without being in the right state of mind.

I don't know how to handle it and what to do. I've taken 3 showers today alone, threw up and slept all day. I don't want to tell my dad or anyone because it didn't feel like rape even though it probably technically is and I like this guy. I also don't want to deal with being raped again (I was sexually abused as a child by my brother and his friend). What would happen if I went to psychiatrist, would she tell? Drugs were involved too, we smoked pot earlier in the day.

One other thing, according to my calendar it was a fertile day for me. I was waiting to have sex again until I found a special someone. What do I do and was it rape?