[Arcenciel]

Hey.

So as some of you who knew me from before I left, my baba died when I was 15. I saw her die, and I have PTSD from that event.
She was cremated when she died, and we have had her urn at home for a long time, but now my grandpa decided he wants to bury her, so on saturday we are going to do that.

I was supposed to talk to my therapist today about it...she promised she would help me, but then she got sick and ditched me today, and so now I'm here, alone, grieving out my ass, and I'm scared. This event (the burial) is a huge trigger for my ptsd, and all I keep seeing is her dying. over and over and over. I feel like going on saturday is going to just make me relive the experience again, but I have to go. My dad said if I don't go, I"ll be being selfish.
I went to a grief "camp" when i was younger that had other kids, so I called the coordinator of that program and told her what was happening, and she is trying to help me as best as she can. I am just really lost.

There is yet another problem...my grandpa was extremely abusive during the time I lived iwth him (my whole life up until march 1st 2011), and going to the cemetary on saturday means seeing him. My aunty (my mom's sister) says that grandpa misses me a lot and asks about my brother and I. He wants a graduation picture, and he is excited to see us. I'm scared. I don't want to hug him or see him or talk to him. I don't want anything to happen. I just want this to all go away.

Somebody please help me. I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to do.