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Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
June 23rd 2011, 04:13 AM
You said at the worst one of us would die. I prayed it'd be me because you two were the most important things in my life, you two were my world. Without one of you, I'd probably end up killing myself. But I never said any of that. In a way, you were right. Bethany died, she's dead to us now even if she's still breathing, even if her heart is still beating. You blame yourself, you told me that you miss her more than one could ever imagine. I can tell you it isn't your fault, you'd never believe it. I know this whole mess is my fault, yes Bethany told me that, but I knew it before she did. And you'd hate me if you knew I thought that, you'd scream and tell me it isn't my fault, but it is. It so is. I could've just apologized and we'd be tight as ever, but I let my fucken pride get in the way and now I cry every time I think of her. I cry silently, tears hidden where no one can see them. Including you. You're my best friend, but things have gotten so hard. I can't tell you that I miss Bethany, I can't tell you about the words I craved into my leg, or all these tears I've cried since this whole thing started months ago. You're hurting Hayley, I know that. You're the only reason I'm still alive. This pain is more than I can bare, but as long as you're here, I'm going to keep fighting. I miss Bethany too. I miss her more than I could ever tell you, ever tell anyone. Without her I feel so empty, I didn't realize how much I needed her. But I did what I did, and I told you and Ian that in the end you'd be better off to stand by her. But you two didn't listen to me. And the pain that I'm feeling must be worse for her because she lost her three best friends, where we all lost one. I hate myself for crying so much over her, but if I don't cry I'm gonna kill myself. Tears are a much better option.
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