[Socaoa]

So I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian. Or, well, I'm 95% sure I am. It doesn't help that almost everyone I come out to laughs and tells me "Someday you'll meet a guy who'll sweep you off your feet" or "You're just confused, that's all" and... yeah. So I find myself 'testing' myself, by looking at guys and trying to feel attracted to them. And, yes, I can notice that a guy is attractive. I can be attracted to a guy's personality. But thinking about what's between their legs is just... no, argh, get it away. I've imagined having sex with a guy and been gripped by the almost uncontrollable urge to kick at my imagined 'partner', even though it was just a fantasy, or simply had my brain 'lock up'- be unable to picture it.

But when I look at a girl, I feel... comfortable. I feel attracted. And I have sexual fantasies about girls, and feel turned on, not scared or uncomfortable. I find myself blushing and getting nervous around girls. I find myself staring. I feel safe. When I think about what I'm attracted to, I think curves. Hourglass figures. I've lined up a picture of a guy and a girl just to see which one I liked more, and I couldn't care less about the guy- I only had eyes for the woman.

However... in the past... I've had crushes on guys. I mean, those schoolyard crushes where you just want to hold hands and call yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, when you're little. And when I was older, fourteen to be exact, I fell head-over-heels for a boy called Alec, who happened to be dating a friend of mine. (incidentally, instead of making that friend and I hate each other, it somehow brought us closer together... we used to remark on that all the time and how odd it was, 'chicks before dicks', I guess.) I was absolutely crazy about him for two years. He was my whole world. It was a bit unhealthy, actually... But even with him, even as much as I wanted to spend every day of my life with him... my brain still locked up when I tried to think about having sex with him. I couldn't do it. Kissing, yes, but sex? I just couldn't. Is it possible for that to happen? To be homosexual and fall in hetero-romantic love? I mean I had no sexual desire towards him...

But I have a sex drive! An... increasingly demanding one... It's just all about the girls. Someone used the term "Panromantic homosexual" to describe me, and I feel pretty comfortable with that one.



But outside of that... I'm lonely. I mean, my friends are accepting of me and stuff, but. It's so difficult. I can't just go and ask a girl I like out... because, well, I don't know if they'll freak out or not. I can't even flirt, because I'm scared of being called a freak. And it's not like we walk around with little rainbow flags. How am I supposed to know if someone swings that way or not...? I just feel so lonely sometimes. And it doesn't help when people ask about my love life and I have to confess to them that I've never even been kissed, and the only two relationships I've ever been in have both been long-distance. I just. Wish I could be open about it! I'm out, yes, but I still don't feel comfortable asking someone out. I wish I was braver! So I try to avoid having feelings for people... because, well, I don't want to be shot down.