[bitesize]

I get so angry at you sometimes, but I think it's because I love you so much: I wouldn't bother to feel as annoyed at some I didn't care about as much as you. But I don't like it. I hate being upset with you, and it happens frequently just because I'm a difficult person with a fucked up brain. I'm annoyed at you because something was clearly bothering you on the way in tonight and it annoys me that you didn't tell me what it was - because then my brain goes into overdrive - and annoyed that I didn't get a chance to let you tell me what it was. I'm annoyed becaue we couldn't have sex in the club tonight. That makes me feel like such a failure, this whole sex thing, and you'e being brilliant about it but I'm scared it'll start to wreck our relationship. I felt sad then because this morning was so, so bad, so bad, soo, so, bad, I felt worse than I had in a long time, for no reason, I just woke up feeling that way. I started crying on the bus and panicking in public and had to get myself into a quiet corner in a quiet street to count for a long time until I felt normal again, but it was scary. And I remembered this morning and it made me feel sad. Then I got stupidly irrationally jealous because you were paying Kerrie lots of attention, which is silly because she's my friend and you'd obviously want to get to know her,but it felt like you weren't paying me more attention than her, which means a lot to me. And then i got upset because you were upset because I was upset and you'd picked up on it and didn't know why and I hate upsetting you because you're the loveliest person........but I'm still upset that you didn't tell me what was bothering you earlier. And now I'm annoyed because you're purposely acting like nothing's wrong. Purposely. You probably just wanted to go to sleep which is perfectly fair enough. But I'd prefer to talk about things. I hate when we get like this and yet some part of me secretly wants to annoy you more or something...probably some twisted way of getting attention from you or something. but I just felt really insecure tonight...not good enough, not pretty enough or sexy enough or interesting enough and that made me feel sad and made me act weird. And i hate acting like a bitch to you when you've done nothing wrong, and I don't know how to stop it because I need to let the anger out somewhere, and I think I'm a more angry person than normal people, and I'm scared this will make you not like me and make you eventually not want to be with me anymore.


^^ how fucked up is that??