[amystery]

I feel like I've let you down. I feel like I've let myself down. But I don't want to try....if I procrastinate or don't put my effort in then I can rationalize it. Otherwise Im just a failure and a disappointment. Either way though Im kinda a screw up.

I'm just as worried about our house, Grandma and everything else as you are. I'm trying to be strong and not let you see that but while I'm faking this smile... My grades are close to failing and I'm falling apart. You don't know this but these last few years have been incredibly hard for me and most days I just wanted to disappear. Part of me wishes I had and others want to get better. But what does that even mean? How did I get so low?

I haven't cut, burned or anything of the sort in over a month. I don't miss it as much as I thought I would this time but I still want to do it a lot. Right now is one of those times and being alone doesn't make it easy to resist. I guess I just want to feel needed and I guess not so lonely. My best friend is away and my parents are gone. My brothers outside and out and about with friends and idk I went outside to chill with them briefly because really I had nothing else to do and if I stayed inside by myself for the rest of the night I might have done something. It would have been easy to.