[bitesize]

Sometimes it seems as though you've read these posts. Or my mind, or both. It's scary. I say some pretty awful things in this thread becaue I always want to get every inch of anger out of me in words, I say things worse than I would ever say to anyone, ever. It's healthy. I think.

I knew you seemed a little annoyed at me last night but I didn't know it was because of that. Urgh. Sometimes I feel as if I've been so self-centred in our relationship I want to hurt myself for doing that to you. I don't deserve you one bit, at all. I jsut have a hard job not letting pride get in the way of everything. At least this isn't like my last relationship where I ended up cheating because I was worried about how fast I was falling, wasn't open about things, played mind games and hardly ever talked about my insecurities, mostly because I would end up getting shot down.

I think sometimes that I'm trying to punish you for how my ex made me feel. Which makes no sense and is horribly unfair and is something you don't deserve and I'm terrified of it driving us apart. Sometimes I will act annoyed at you instead of explaining to you why I'm upset about something ~ simply because I could never tell him things. Sometimes I think about how crap he made me feel and it makes me want to..ugh, I don't know...make myself feel like I have power in our relationship or something?? Which is an awful thing to do. I appreciate you much, much more than you could know...I love you so much, you make me so happy. You've made me appareciate everything. Yes you're not perfect but who is?? You're a fucking million times more perfect than anyone like him could ever be anyway. You make me feel lucky to have you everyday and I'm terrified of that getting screwed up, because of me and my moronic irrationalities.
I wasn't even that annoyed you last night about the whole interrupting thing, only slightly, because I was horny and frustrated. I love when you say sorry to me for things when you feel like you've been in the wrong, but I think that because I've never been used to that, looking at all the assholes I've been with...O never said sorry for anything. L never said sorry, even for fucking cheating on me. G was just not really worth my time...because I'm not used to that I sometimes want to make you feel really sorry. Ugh I feel awful writing this. I wish I could say it to you.