OK first of all congratulaitons for a) recognising you have a disorder and b) trying to fight it. I know how hard it is, like i dont have one but i know it can feel like an endless struggle where wither way you feel worthless. Oh and you were making sense. Well i think you have definatley done the first step by writing down how you feel. Its a cycle and cycles can be broken, to help you stop try finding your trigger. why is it you fel liek you ahve too? is it because you want something to be apart of you liek you said having a secret. Whatever it is i suggest you tell a friend or family member. I know you dont want to let g of your secret because you feel like you willhave lost your identity but having that disorder is only a small part that has taken over. Once you let go which can be scary at first you have a journey. To find yourself again. Discover new interests, join clubs, make new friends, listen to different types of music. Whatever you do it will feel that void. No doubt you jsut liked being in controll perhaps, having something to focus on? swop it try sports or goign to support groups or a doctor. Tell a friend or family member for moral support. Its great that you want to be healthy and i hope that you can be in the near future. Keep fighting, im here for you xxx <3
PM me if you ned anything love pixie <3