[lanegwyn]

Not the dirtiest of secrets, but:

--I want to be a person again. Not a wallowing, pathetic, non-thinking, so-depressive-I-can't-____, regressive failure.

--I am failing English. (I won't mention that I got 800s on the reading and writing sections of the SAT- I need to let go of that)

--I felt happy today for the first time in months. That's only a secret because I've no friends to tell.

--I cut (not even- scratch?) and then wear short sleeves (well, after a few days, once the initial redness fades) or am careless with my sleeves. I don't want attention from my parents- I want a few specific people at school (mostly teachers) to know that I am not well and this is not my natural state and the corollary to all of this is that if I WERE a person I'd be different and maybe you'd like me. I also just want to communicate with the universe and if body modification is the way I like best to do so (or the only way I feel like I can do so at this moment in my life), then this is what I'm doing. I don't feel bad about it. It doesn't feel immature. It's not positive, but it's at least neutral. (And I'm sure no one has noticed the scratches, anyway).

--I forget. But I've been remembering my childhood more over the past 24 hours (because reading old report cards made certain memories flood to my consciousness) and I'm glad about that.

--I really need to stop reading reviews about music (and books) before I decide what to get. For a mature, real person, it's a sensible part of the process of getting stuff. But I don't have enough of a sense of what I like so I do the absurd thing: I try to determine whether or not I should like certain things. This isn't fuckery I will indulge.

--I'm going to try to be okay with how bad I am at life, and how unoriginal I'm doomed to seem (and be), and how unintelligent I've been so far. Trying is important and I will never try if I remain consumed by what a waste of resources I am (so far). Just because I've failed whenever I tried to improve in the past doesn't mean it'll happen again. It doesn't. History actually never repeats itself; don't decontextualize. It's different this time.

--If I accomplish nothing for the rest of the school year except (passing English and) feeling like he and I are friends or could be friends, I'll feel successful. If I, at any point, make his life any easier or contribute to his happiness in any small way, it'll have been worth it. And by "it" I mean everything I've done in the past two years. (Now... if only I knew how to approach this idea...)

Oh my Spring, let's submit the post before it grows again.