[puala__koala]

okay, so i have this thing where i do all of these things without really wanting to.

for example, ill be at school, and ill get this incredible urge to eat mac and cheese. i tell myself i cant have mac and cheese because im at school. but its not just an urge, its a sensation. i feel the texture of mac and cheese in my mouth, i imagine what it would feel like, and i feel like i need to complete the experience. but i cant. ill tell myself that the whole day, and then the next day, until i cant take it anymore. then ill come home and eat a lot of mac and cheese, but then ill want to have another food in my mouth. so then ill eat a whole carton of ice cream.

when im done with the ice cream, ill get another urge: i need to throw up. if i dont throw up, ill get fat, and i dont wanna be fat. but then again, i dont wanna throw up. ive given up so much because i cant control my eating disorder. but then ill look at my hands, and theyll start to get fatter. ill look at myself in the mirror, and my body mass will be increasing by the second. so i get a panic attack and ill go upto my room and throw up everything. at first its not bad, but then the acid at the bottom of my stomach comes up, and that shit hurts. then ill keep on throwing up, until it comes up clear.

then ill get really horny. again, i feel this sensation of what it would be like to masturbate and watch internet porn. i tell myself that i cant, and try and do my homework, but i wont be able to concentrate. so ill go get something really sick to watch, and ill get off.

then ill feel a little bit better. and ill go downstairs to do my homework. but as soon as i get downstairs, my parents will need to talk to me. the whole time, ill be thinking about how ill never finish my homework, and how ill go to school the next day wihtout it, and everyone will be dissappointed, ill fail all my classes, and not be able to go to college. so to feel less stressed out, ill start biting my arm. if it gets really bad, ill start breaking things, particularly things made out of glass. ill throw them at my parents and theyll break.

once tehy leave me alone, i go on the computer and start playing videogames, right now its tetris. i really like the way you combine the pieces. so ill spend two hours playing tetris, trying to destress. but it wont ever work. i destress a little, but not enough. then ill need to sleep, but i wont be able to go to sleep because all ill be able to think about it what it would feel like to play tetris. how the pieces of the puzzle would combine, but the problem is that in my mind, they never dissapear. its really weird to explain. so i wont be able to take it anymore. ill get a belt, and choke myself until ive almost passed out. then ill lie on my bed for a couple minutes before i drift to sleep.

is this normal? i tried to explain it to my therapist and she helps a little, but its just too much stress. i try to relax but i cant. idk. what should i do? to be quite honest, the only thing that has really helped are opiates, and i cant really do those everytime i get stressed out. helppp