[a_girlsdreams]

Dear you,
I said my apologies. To put the pressures of my shit on you was unfair. And now I realize that. Yesterday I opened my eyes to see what I was putting you through. I didnt understand how you couldnt just be there for me or say the right thing that I needed to hear. A part of me still doesnt understand because thats what friends are for. You are supposed to listen me when I need to talk, you are supposed to hug me when I need a shoulder to cry on, you are supposed to tell me everything is okay even when I dont believe so. In the long run all I needed from you was support. Some kind of reassurance that I can change my old ways, that I do have something to live for. Because honestly, lately I cant seem to find that within me. I texted you last night because I really reflected on our friendship over the past couple of months. I see how different we are, from the big things down to the little ones. And dont get me wrong, I totally respect that. I understand that you have been through basically nothing close to what I have been through in my life and maybe thats the problem. Maybe you cant put yourself in my shoes for a day and thats what is tearing us apart. Close your eyes and try to imagine what I have been through. You cant do it, you can not feel the pain of every shitty thing in my life. Most days its the hard things that I have overcome that make me a stronger person, but some days I am just weak. I cant stop blaming myself. And its those days that I need you most, to not throw my own shit back in my face. Maybe this sounds ridiculous or needy but the truth of the matter is if you were in my place I would stop my life to help you. I would be there for you every single night you had flashbacks or bad dreams without fear of you making me depressed. But thats just the kind of person I am and you know that. Or maybe thats just what best friends do. I dont want us coming to an end because we cant work out our differences, thats just pathetic. I apologized last night because I have truly realized things. But for you to tell me theres still that brick wall between us but you cant talk about it kills me. Obviously holding shit in only makes us worse at this point. You told me you needed time.. Time from what? Being my best friend? Okay, take it. That just puts up a bigger wall between me and you. The last text I sent you last night was pretty shitty. I didnt expect you to respond but at that point that was basically my goodbye. I have asked a lot of you and expected you to help just like everyone else has in my life. You just have your own way of helping me and I havent thanked you enough for that. Every second we were together or talking made me put the past behind me, made me realize I dont have to be afraid of the dark. But right now Im afraid of today. Im afraid of tomorrow and the days to come. Just know if anything happens, you did your very best. Just because you cant be there in ways I need you to be, just because you cant stay with me until I fall asleep at night, just because you cant relate to my life doesnt mean your best wasnt enough. It was. And now that Im on my own trying to help myself, it was because of you. And thank you because no one has given me that. Maybe tonight I can fall fast asleep in the dark and wake up not afraid to take on the day, the days, the years. But in case I cant, just know it wasnt because of you. Because you I am a new person, for better or for worse. And through every up and down, you have always been my best friend. Hopefully one day youll read this, understand and maybe even write back. But right now Im saying sorry one last time and my goodbye to you. Whatever happens I wont be afraid. Thank you for everything. I love you Jul. One day things will all be okay. I promise.